Unsung Psalm
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009
Under: Gay
Country & city: New Delhi, India
Name/nickname: UnsungPsalm
Age: 20
Gender: Male
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Naive, Passionate, Rebellious, obsessive, optimistic, melancholic.
How old were you when you first realized your identity? Around 14
How old were you when you first told someone? 19
Did you plan it? If so, how? Not at all. A very close friend told me that she had feelings for me (over text messaging). I’d known that for over a year, but hoped she’d guess my orientation as she knew me so well. But when I realised that she just didn’t get the idea, I told her - more in anger because I was having to tell her explicitly and she couldn’t have put 2 and 2 together and saved me the effort.
What made you choose that person to tell? I didn’t choose her, she chose me. But she would probably have been the first to know anyway, since she’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and today, she knows me inside-out.
Can you remember exactly what you said? Hmmm… amusing, this. She messaged “Sometimes I think that I have feelings for you that are more than just friendship…” I responded saying, “Yes, I’ve always known. And I cannot reciprocate. And I’m surprised you cannot guess why.” She said, “Either of 2 reasons.. either you don’t feel the same way, or you’re gay.” I said, “Take a pick.” She replied, “Gay?” and I sealed it with “So there.”
How did you feel? I felt quite sick. She was the first person I had told, without any preparation. Without getting up from my bed that morning, and saying “Today, I’m going to tell her.” She was also a very good friend and I had no idea how she would take it. And she was from a relatively conservative background too, so I was quite sure she’d never encountered a gay person before.
What was the person’s reaction? Initially, she was a bit silent. Knowing her, I can imagine that she must have felt overwhelmed with emotions. Not at the fact that she’d fallen for a gay guy but for the fact that she’d known me so well, and yet missed out on this very crucial aspect of my personality.
What did they say? She said that she understood it was very hard for me to divulge to her, and that life would be very hard for me. This was said in a response to a message I sent her a while back (just to break the silence that had ensued right after I told her) saying that life was hard enough for me and I hoped she wouldn’t make it any harder.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? She’s made life a whole lot easier. She fusses over me more than everyone else I know (put-together) has in my entire life. She’s the closest friend I’ve ever had, knows me inside out, and seems to have become a “closet” gay-rights-activist over time. “Closet” because I won’t have her speak out openly, as people would guess my orientation automatically. We live in a small town and everyone knows everyone. They think we’re a couple, and temporarily, neither of us have any intentions of changing that, other than denying it, if asked. Society here isn’t very understanding, and discreetness is best.
What’s it like now? Life is much easier with a friend by your side. I have someone to tell everything, and if I don’t want to tell her, I just blog about it. I wish the idea of an anonymous blog had struck me sooner, because the entire experience is very therapeutic, especially for a person who tends to get as paranoid over trivial matters as I do. It helps to talk about it.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? By one guy I met and told (also gay), who told his own friend.
What happened? We met online, knew we lived on the same campus, and then introduced ourselves to each other in person, using some alibi to avoid suspicion. We were starting to become friends, and then he went ahead and “introduced” me to his own close friend, without really seeking any sort of permission from me. They’re not even very close now, so I feel slightly violated and a bit insecure. I never met her again, and couldn’t recognise her in public, but she seemed a nice sort, so I’m not too worried.
What were peoples’ reactions? Well, she didn’t stick around to express enough of a reaction.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. On-and-off. The city that I schooled in is very intolerant. People are heavily prejudiced. Lots of people are targetted, just on the basis of suspicion. I was, occasionally, when I was unsure of my own personality, but I had another close friend then, who always stood up for me if she was around. I could scarcely answer back then, because I hardly knew myself.
Now, it’s relatively rare, but if it ever does happen, it can be quite humiliating. Not humiliating in the eyes of the rest of the world, but to one’s own. Most of it is in jest, and is returned in equal amounts to the person, but it still feels awful, because I am, even if unknowingly, being targeted for something that I really am.
Anyhow, anybody who gets to know me closely appreciates me for the person that I am, so that helps.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: Faculty? Hell no! Acquaintances? Again, no!
Job: Don’t work yet :)
Family: Nobody knows. Maybe some can guess, I cannot say. Keep wanting to tell my sister, but we weren’t very close till about a year ago. I’m trying to build a stronger bond before I tell her. As for parents, I’m trying to sensitise them, or at least make them aware of the existence and normalcy of homosexuality, before I tell them. Though I think that’ll take a few years at the least.
Friends: Have only told one person. Am hoping that the others would have guessed. Some genuinely haven’t. Will tell them within the next 2 years, I suppose.
What does being out mean to you? Not having to be someone else. Not having to maintain a double life. It means a sort of freedom, that I already experience with one person, and would want, with all friends.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? It makes all the difference. Homosexuality is taboo, in the society, and in my own generation, the lesser sensitised would consider it abhorrent.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? It’s a manner of confinement. A horrible sort of punishment. Everyone has secrets, everyone has aspects of their lives that they are forced to hide. But for some people, their sexuality is too integral an aspect of their character. Most people I know tell me, “Being gay isn’t all there is to your life”. I know that. I’ve been living that everything-else for 20 years now, but the remaining chunk of me is trapped in the closet, and wishes to be able to breathe.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Be confident who you plan to tell. But once you’ve done it, it’s massive relief. You can finally start sharing. If you cannot, then find another channel. Make an anonymous blog, spill whatever you wish to, on that. No one need know who it’s coming from. That may not help as much as telling a real person, but it’s far better than keeping everything to yourself.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? The manner in which I came out to my friend, I consider unique and amusing (in retrospection). Though she curses me for doing it on SMS, I don’t think I’d do it any differently. It’s definitely a story worth relating, in the future :) But maybe I would’ve come out sooner.
Name/nickname: UnsungPsalm
Age: 20
Gender: Male
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Naive, Passionate, Rebellious, obsessive, optimistic, melancholic.
How old were you when you first realized your identity? Around 14
How old were you when you first told someone? 19
Did you plan it? If so, how? Not at all. A very close friend told me that she had feelings for me (over text messaging). I’d known that for over a year, but hoped she’d guess my orientation as she knew me so well. But when I realised that she just didn’t get the idea, I told her - more in anger because I was having to tell her explicitly and she couldn’t have put 2 and 2 together and saved me the effort.
What made you choose that person to tell? I didn’t choose her, she chose me. But she would probably have been the first to know anyway, since she’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and today, she knows me inside-out.
Can you remember exactly what you said? Hmmm… amusing, this. She messaged “Sometimes I think that I have feelings for you that are more than just friendship…” I responded saying, “Yes, I’ve always known. And I cannot reciprocate. And I’m surprised you cannot guess why.” She said, “Either of 2 reasons.. either you don’t feel the same way, or you’re gay.” I said, “Take a pick.” She replied, “Gay?” and I sealed it with “So there.”
How did you feel? I felt quite sick. She was the first person I had told, without any preparation. Without getting up from my bed that morning, and saying “Today, I’m going to tell her.” She was also a very good friend and I had no idea how she would take it. And she was from a relatively conservative background too, so I was quite sure she’d never encountered a gay person before.
What was the person’s reaction? Initially, she was a bit silent. Knowing her, I can imagine that she must have felt overwhelmed with emotions. Not at the fact that she’d fallen for a gay guy but for the fact that she’d known me so well, and yet missed out on this very crucial aspect of my personality.
What did they say? She said that she understood it was very hard for me to divulge to her, and that life would be very hard for me. This was said in a response to a message I sent her a while back (just to break the silence that had ensued right after I told her) saying that life was hard enough for me and I hoped she wouldn’t make it any harder.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? She’s made life a whole lot easier. She fusses over me more than everyone else I know (put-together) has in my entire life. She’s the closest friend I’ve ever had, knows me inside out, and seems to have become a “closet” gay-rights-activist over time. “Closet” because I won’t have her speak out openly, as people would guess my orientation automatically. We live in a small town and everyone knows everyone. They think we’re a couple, and temporarily, neither of us have any intentions of changing that, other than denying it, if asked. Society here isn’t very understanding, and discreetness is best.
What’s it like now? Life is much easier with a friend by your side. I have someone to tell everything, and if I don’t want to tell her, I just blog about it. I wish the idea of an anonymous blog had struck me sooner, because the entire experience is very therapeutic, especially for a person who tends to get as paranoid over trivial matters as I do. It helps to talk about it.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? By one guy I met and told (also gay), who told his own friend.
What happened? We met online, knew we lived on the same campus, and then introduced ourselves to each other in person, using some alibi to avoid suspicion. We were starting to become friends, and then he went ahead and “introduced” me to his own close friend, without really seeking any sort of permission from me. They’re not even very close now, so I feel slightly violated and a bit insecure. I never met her again, and couldn’t recognise her in public, but she seemed a nice sort, so I’m not too worried.
What were peoples’ reactions? Well, she didn’t stick around to express enough of a reaction.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. On-and-off. The city that I schooled in is very intolerant. People are heavily prejudiced. Lots of people are targetted, just on the basis of suspicion. I was, occasionally, when I was unsure of my own personality, but I had another close friend then, who always stood up for me if she was around. I could scarcely answer back then, because I hardly knew myself.
Now, it’s relatively rare, but if it ever does happen, it can be quite humiliating. Not humiliating in the eyes of the rest of the world, but to one’s own. Most of it is in jest, and is returned in equal amounts to the person, but it still feels awful, because I am, even if unknowingly, being targeted for something that I really am.
Anyhow, anybody who gets to know me closely appreciates me for the person that I am, so that helps.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: Faculty? Hell no! Acquaintances? Again, no!
Job: Don’t work yet :)
Family: Nobody knows. Maybe some can guess, I cannot say. Keep wanting to tell my sister, but we weren’t very close till about a year ago. I’m trying to build a stronger bond before I tell her. As for parents, I’m trying to sensitise them, or at least make them aware of the existence and normalcy of homosexuality, before I tell them. Though I think that’ll take a few years at the least.
Friends: Have only told one person. Am hoping that the others would have guessed. Some genuinely haven’t. Will tell them within the next 2 years, I suppose.
What does being out mean to you? Not having to be someone else. Not having to maintain a double life. It means a sort of freedom, that I already experience with one person, and would want, with all friends.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? It makes all the difference. Homosexuality is taboo, in the society, and in my own generation, the lesser sensitised would consider it abhorrent.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? It’s a manner of confinement. A horrible sort of punishment. Everyone has secrets, everyone has aspects of their lives that they are forced to hide. But for some people, their sexuality is too integral an aspect of their character. Most people I know tell me, “Being gay isn’t all there is to your life”. I know that. I’ve been living that everything-else for 20 years now, but the remaining chunk of me is trapped in the closet, and wishes to be able to breathe.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Be confident who you plan to tell. But once you’ve done it, it’s massive relief. You can finally start sharing. If you cannot, then find another channel. Make an anonymous blog, spill whatever you wish to, on that. No one need know who it’s coming from. That may not help as much as telling a real person, but it’s far better than keeping everything to yourself.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? The manner in which I came out to my friend, I consider unique and amusing (in retrospection). Though she curses me for doing it on SMS, I don’t think I’d do it any differently. It’s definitely a story worth relating, in the future :) But maybe I would’ve come out sooner.
In : Gay
