Tartan Jane
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009
Under: Lesbian
Country & city: Jozi, South Africa
Name/nickname: Tartan Jane
Age: 30
Gender: Female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered)? Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Creative, funny, mercurial, edgy.
How old were you when you first realized your identity? I have been aware of my “otherness” as far back as I can remember, even when I was too young to put that feeling into context.
How old were you when you first told someone? I think I may have been about 16 years old.
Did you plan it? If so, how? I did not plan it, no.
What made you choose that person to tell? He was my closest friend, almost like a brother to me, and he was having a sexuality crisis. I told him out of a sense of solidarity, because he was having a really tough time admitting it to me - and himself.
Can you remember exactly what you said? Yes, more or less. I admitted to being bi-sexual.
How did you feel? Slightly nervous, but the sensation of inevitability overpowered everything else.
What was the person’s reaction? His level of surprise was about equal to mine. We’d known each other for a very long time, and very well at that.
What did they say? He questioned whether I was bi or gay. At that time I wasn’t sure myself, and didn’t want to close any doors, but his response raised some questions for me.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? It was as good as ever, for a while.
What’s it like now? We are no longer close friends, but we meet very occasionally for coffee in a group.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? The same friend mentioned above, a few years later.
What happened? I slept with a bi-sexual friend of his, who had a terrible crush on him and asked me not to tell. It turns out that she had not placed the same moratorium on herself. I found out that he knew when friends and acquaintances started to mention (rather uncomfortably) that he’d told them about me.
What were peoples’ reactions? My friends were increibly supportive of me. They were more appalled at what he had done to me.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example.
I have been very lucky in that I have experienced very little homophobic behaviour. The most telling example of it was when I was in a bar in Cape Town with a girlfriend, and a man kept asking us intrusive and very rude questions. We finally asked his girlfriend if she was proud of him for behaving as he did. This encouraged her to take action and get him to leave.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: N/A
Job: Completely
Family: Completely
Friends: Completely
What does being out mean to you? Being out means being proud of who I am, and not having to hide my identity from others. Being out means that I am equal to any other person on this earth, regardless of whom I love.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? My mother is an extremely open-minded person who has always encouraged me to be myself. My family are all extremely affectionate and close, and this assured me of a safe and loving coming out experience.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? Hiding your identity on purpose out of fear.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Do so at your own pace, but remember: You are what you are, and no amount of self-hatred or suppression will change that. If you step forward sooner rather than later, proudly and strongly, you will have so much more time to live true to your self. It’s not about being right or wrong - it’s just about being you.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? I would probably have come out much earlier. The fear was greater than the reality. But then, this is something that we all have to go through, and it shapes us for our lives to come. All is as it should be.
Name/nickname: Tartan Jane
Age: 30
Gender: Female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered)? Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Creative, funny, mercurial, edgy.
How old were you when you first realized your identity? I have been aware of my “otherness” as far back as I can remember, even when I was too young to put that feeling into context.
How old were you when you first told someone? I think I may have been about 16 years old.
Did you plan it? If so, how? I did not plan it, no.
What made you choose that person to tell? He was my closest friend, almost like a brother to me, and he was having a sexuality crisis. I told him out of a sense of solidarity, because he was having a really tough time admitting it to me - and himself.
Can you remember exactly what you said? Yes, more or less. I admitted to being bi-sexual.
How did you feel? Slightly nervous, but the sensation of inevitability overpowered everything else.
What was the person’s reaction? His level of surprise was about equal to mine. We’d known each other for a very long time, and very well at that.
What did they say? He questioned whether I was bi or gay. At that time I wasn’t sure myself, and didn’t want to close any doors, but his response raised some questions for me.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? It was as good as ever, for a while.
What’s it like now? We are no longer close friends, but we meet very occasionally for coffee in a group.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? The same friend mentioned above, a few years later.
What happened? I slept with a bi-sexual friend of his, who had a terrible crush on him and asked me not to tell. It turns out that she had not placed the same moratorium on herself. I found out that he knew when friends and acquaintances started to mention (rather uncomfortably) that he’d told them about me.
What were peoples’ reactions? My friends were increibly supportive of me. They were more appalled at what he had done to me.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example.
I have been very lucky in that I have experienced very little homophobic behaviour. The most telling example of it was when I was in a bar in Cape Town with a girlfriend, and a man kept asking us intrusive and very rude questions. We finally asked his girlfriend if she was proud of him for behaving as he did. This encouraged her to take action and get him to leave.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: N/A
Job: Completely
Family: Completely
Friends: Completely
What does being out mean to you? Being out means being proud of who I am, and not having to hide my identity from others. Being out means that I am equal to any other person on this earth, regardless of whom I love.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? My mother is an extremely open-minded person who has always encouraged me to be myself. My family are all extremely affectionate and close, and this assured me of a safe and loving coming out experience.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? Hiding your identity on purpose out of fear.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Do so at your own pace, but remember: You are what you are, and no amount of self-hatred or suppression will change that. If you step forward sooner rather than later, proudly and strongly, you will have so much more time to live true to your self. It’s not about being right or wrong - it’s just about being you.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? I would probably have come out much earlier. The fear was greater than the reality. But then, this is something that we all have to go through, and it shapes us for our lives to come. All is as it should be.
In : Lesbian
