Name or Nick Name : Steven
Country or City you are from: : Chicagoland
Your Age : 40
Your Gender : Male
What did you come out as? : Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : Human, compassionate
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 14
How old were you when you first told someone? : 25 (first heterosexual told)
Did you plan it? If so, how? : Yes. Mom and Dad invited me over for dinner every Sunday. And every Sunday she would ask, “Do you have any girlfriends yet?”
What made you choose that person to tell? : I didn’t like the fact that I was lying about my status every time she asked.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : I brought Mom outside on the back porch and sat her down. Then I started crying. It took about 15 minutes before I stopped crying and was able to tell her, “I am gay.”
How did you feel? : Relieved AND scared.
What was the person’s reaction? : Rather flippant like, “So what?”
What did they say? : “So what? So’s your (oldest) brother!”
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : A bit weird. She wanted to know all kinds of stuff and it was like, “Whoa!”
What’s it like now? : She asks every now and then what’s up? It was more frequent when I had a steady boyfriend back in 2005.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : The first homophobic reaction was from my father. The next weekend when I came to their house for dinner, my father approached me about it. I then went to my mother and asked her why she told him when I told her not to. She said that she couldn’t keep things from him. But at the end of the evening when I was leaving to go home, all of a sudden my father said to me, “Don’t come back until you’re in the right frame of mind.” I lost it once I got into my car. I pulled away a few hundred feet, then pulled over and cried.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : only_friends
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : partly_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : While I am not out all the way, I feel a lot more free and open with myself. There was always talk Monday mornings at the office on what we did over the weekend and when I was closeted, you would have thought I was a loner and didn’t have a life outside work. But once I came out, I was able to tell them all the organizations I am involved with, my volunteering, and social events, and relationships I was in.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : I don’t know if there was anything culturally, but my religious background as a Catholic and being a religious Catholic made it VERY hard for me. I always felt I was living a life of sin. I have since left the Catholic Church and now belong to a UCC church which is an Open and Affirming (ONA) church. The church is only two miles away from me.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : Untruths, lies, darkness, confining, silence, death
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : Do it now and don’t wait any longer
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I would have come out right away. I regretted being in the closet throughout college where there were GLBT clubs and organizations that could have made things easier for me.
Anything you want to add? : Be proud of who you are.