Russell Southey
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009
Under: Gay
Name or Nick Name : Russell Southey
Country or City you are from: : Cape Town
Your Age : 44
Your Gender : Male
What did you come out as? : Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : I hope I never subscribe to any "labels" - after all there's only one of me.
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 8 - Marc Spitz '72 Olympics...
How old were you when you first told someone? : 28
Did you plan it? If so, how? : No - we were chatting about life, family, etc, and the opportunity arose to just say it... so I did...
What made you choose that person to tell? : It just felt right at the time...
Can you remember exactly what you said? : No.
How did you feel? : I do remember feeling really nervous, and my heart beating like it was going to burst.
What was the person’s reaction? : He was totally nonchalant and was completely unfazed...
What did they say? : Can't remember.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : No difference at all. Just goes to show how we seem to "catastrophise" so often and about so many things... when in fact most of things that we think will be a catastrophy never happen.
What’s it like now? : Relationship with the guy I told... non-existent as he left the country, and NO he didn't leave because I'm gay!
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : I've never personally experienced any form of homophobia.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : Being who I really am. I lived for too many years being what other people wanted me to be.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : My cultural background at the time I grew up made it very hard to come out - I lived in a generally homophobic and in a society intolerant of difference. Afterall I did grow up in apartheid South Africa. As a child, teenager, young man, student, etc, I feared rejection of family, friends and my society for being gay. It took a long time - about 20 years of lying to myself and denying my truth before I came out. So yes, my cultural background did make a differenece.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : Denying who you are and not being true to yourself or to others. I also think that being in the closet can be the "right" thing to do... especially if you are in danger being harmed if you come out.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : It is never as bad as you think it's going to be. Be prepared for rejection - as it could happen. Also, it is a process - coming out isn't just one day in your life. It's like a birth process - you are being "reborn" (no not like in a Christian way) - you're moving from one state of being who you are to another state of being.
You can also look forward to the most liberating sense of relief! I felt light, uplifted and "real" when I came out - all the pressure of denial and hiding away just disappeard.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : Yes - I would tell my parents at the age of 8 and have lived my whole life as who I really am... and not wasted 20+ years!
Anything you want to add? : Before coming out, I was married and have two awesome daughters from that marriage. So even though I "missed" out on many years of being out and living as my true self as a gay man, I am the luckiest man I know to have two kids and to be gay! I have an excellent relationship with my daughters and their mom.
Country or City you are from: : Cape Town
Your Age : 44
Your Gender : Male
What did you come out as? : Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : I hope I never subscribe to any "labels" - after all there's only one of me.
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 8 - Marc Spitz '72 Olympics...
How old were you when you first told someone? : 28
Did you plan it? If so, how? : No - we were chatting about life, family, etc, and the opportunity arose to just say it... so I did...
What made you choose that person to tell? : It just felt right at the time...
Can you remember exactly what you said? : No.
How did you feel? : I do remember feeling really nervous, and my heart beating like it was going to burst.
What was the person’s reaction? : He was totally nonchalant and was completely unfazed...
What did they say? : Can't remember.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : No difference at all. Just goes to show how we seem to "catastrophise" so often and about so many things... when in fact most of things that we think will be a catastrophy never happen.
What’s it like now? : Relationship with the guy I told... non-existent as he left the country, and NO he didn't leave because I'm gay!
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : I've never personally experienced any form of homophobia.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : Being who I really am. I lived for too many years being what other people wanted me to be.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : My cultural background at the time I grew up made it very hard to come out - I lived in a generally homophobic and in a society intolerant of difference. Afterall I did grow up in apartheid South Africa. As a child, teenager, young man, student, etc, I feared rejection of family, friends and my society for being gay. It took a long time - about 20 years of lying to myself and denying my truth before I came out. So yes, my cultural background did make a differenece.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : Denying who you are and not being true to yourself or to others. I also think that being in the closet can be the "right" thing to do... especially if you are in danger being harmed if you come out.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : It is never as bad as you think it's going to be. Be prepared for rejection - as it could happen. Also, it is a process - coming out isn't just one day in your life. It's like a birth process - you are being "reborn" (no not like in a Christian way) - you're moving from one state of being who you are to another state of being.
You can also look forward to the most liberating sense of relief! I felt light, uplifted and "real" when I came out - all the pressure of denial and hiding away just disappeard.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : Yes - I would tell my parents at the age of 8 and have lived my whole life as who I really am... and not wasted 20+ years!
Anything you want to add? : Before coming out, I was married and have two awesome daughters from that marriage. So even though I "missed" out on many years of being out and living as my true self as a gay man, I am the luckiest man I know to have two kids and to be gay! I have an excellent relationship with my daughters and their mom.
In : Gay
