Rainbow Amoeba
Posted by ulla on Monday, February 23, 2009
Under: Bisexual
Name or Nick Name : Rainbow Amoeba
Country or City you are from: : Paris, France
Your Age : 23
Your Gender : Female
What did you come out as? : Bi
What did you come out as? : asexual
What other words would you use to describe yourself? :
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 21
How old were you when you first told someone? : 21
Did you plan it? If so, how? : The first person I came out to in person was one of my best friends. I hadn’t really planned to tell him. I came out twice, first as asexual, then as bi-asexual.
What made you choose that person to tell? : I had just become aware of my orientation and I was far away from home. He was the person I felt closest to where I was at the time, and it seemed important to tell him - discovering my orientation had been very important to me and I thought that, since he meant so much to me, he should know about it.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : When I came out as asexual, we had been talking about a movie we had just seen. I said that the fact the two romantic leads were said to have slept together had ruined the love story for me. He said “but that shows they love each other, when you love someone, you want to make love with him/her”. I said it wasn’t true, that asexuals do not feel that way, and that I was asexual and did not feel that way.
When I told him I was bi, we had been talking about a celebrity who was rumored to be bisexual. He asked me what I thought about it and if I would consider dating a bisexual person. I said yes, and asked him why he wanted to talk about bisexuality with me all of a sudden. He said there was no particular reason, and I said it was funny because I had been meaning to talk about bisexuality with him, and that I was bi myself (although bi-asexual).
How did you feel? : I was very nervous and a little scared of his reaction. I was afraid he might reject me or see me in a different way now, that it might change our friendship. But I was relieved at the same time, because now he would know this important truth about me.
What was the person’s reaction? : He was puzzled by asexuality, and surprised that I was bi. He had clearly never thought I might be (although several of my friends had suspected before that I might be interested in women as well, and had told me so in the past).
What did they say? : He did not really want to believe that asexuality existed, but he didn’t try to contradict me. He said he was surprised I was bi, and he told me he was honored that I had decided to come out to him and that I trusted him with that knowledge.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : It was not really different. I just tried to talk to him a little about my orientation, but, although he is not homophobic, he is not totally comfortable with such topics, so I didn’t want to push him too hard. For everything else, things remained the same.
What’s it like now? : We are still close, he is one of the most important people in my life. I felt closer to him now that I had come out to him, and I felt our friendship was stronger because my coming out had not destroyed it (although I knew from the start that my friend would not stop caring about me once I had come out to him - but I had been afraid all the same).
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? : n/a
What happened? : n/a
What were peoples’ reactions? : n/a
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : I have experienced negative reactions to my asexuality. I had registered with an online dating site and I explained in my profile that I was asexual. Some people wrote to me to say that I was wrong, that I didn’t know what I was missing, that it was wrong to reject my sexuality or refuse to experiment, and so on.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : only_friends
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : partly_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : It is important to me. I don’t want my friends to have an inaccurate image of me, so I am out to them.
Being out also means showing other people that asexuality exists. Few people know about it and I think that by being out as an asexual, I can make asexuality more visible.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : France is not particularly homophobic, so I generally know I am not taking great risks by coming out to my friends - I guess it makes it easier.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : Lying and hiding. Being in the closet, for me, means hiding to people around me who I really am, and lying to them by allowing them to keep a false image of me.
The closet is a form of oppression as well, I guess. People lie and hide because they are afraid of telling the truth - either because they live in an unsafe environment and could be hurt if their orientation was known, or because they are afraid of being different.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : I would tell them to think about it carefully beforehand. Every time my coming out “failed” (when the other person reacted negatively), it was because I had been too excited or not prepared enough, and I had given the wrong impression. When I first came out to her, I was so nervous that my mother thought I was very distressed because of my orientation. But I came out to her again later, after thinking carefully about what I wanted to tell her, and I did my best to remain calm - and that time, she was very supportive and positive.
Try to come out to one person at a time. Think about what you are going to say, how you are going to explain (some orientations are pretty well known, but asexuality for instance often requires some explaning). Wait for an appropriate moment - don’t suddenly interrupt them to say “I’m…”. Tell them that this is something you want to tell them because they mean a lot to you and you want them to know this about you. Stay calm, speak quietly - if you are too excited, the other person might think you are uncomfortable with your orientation and they might react negatively to it as a way to protect you from something they think is hurtful to you.
Only come out if it feels right to you. If you feel it is going to go wrong, don’t do it. But if you can do it, please go ahead! I always feel happy and relieved after coming out (well, when it goes well of course). I feel closer to the person I’ve come out to because now they know the real me.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I would try to be calm and to explain what my orientation is carefully. That’s how I do it now and everyone I’ve come out to lately has been very understanding and supportive. I also try to explain what I feel (”I like men and women, but I don’t want to have sex with anyone”) rather than using technical words (”I’m bi-asexual”) because other people can relate to the feelings more easily than to the words.
Anything you want to add? : Successful coming out experiences have made me even more comfortable with my orientation. Negative ones have hurt me but they haven’t changed how I felt about myself. I think that coming out is a great experience and something that has made me closer to the people I have come out to. If it is not unsafe for you to come out, do it!
Country or City you are from: : Paris, France
Your Age : 23
Your Gender : Female
What did you come out as? : Bi
What did you come out as? : asexual
What other words would you use to describe yourself? :
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 21
How old were you when you first told someone? : 21
Did you plan it? If so, how? : The first person I came out to in person was one of my best friends. I hadn’t really planned to tell him. I came out twice, first as asexual, then as bi-asexual.
What made you choose that person to tell? : I had just become aware of my orientation and I was far away from home. He was the person I felt closest to where I was at the time, and it seemed important to tell him - discovering my orientation had been very important to me and I thought that, since he meant so much to me, he should know about it.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : When I came out as asexual, we had been talking about a movie we had just seen. I said that the fact the two romantic leads were said to have slept together had ruined the love story for me. He said “but that shows they love each other, when you love someone, you want to make love with him/her”. I said it wasn’t true, that asexuals do not feel that way, and that I was asexual and did not feel that way.
When I told him I was bi, we had been talking about a celebrity who was rumored to be bisexual. He asked me what I thought about it and if I would consider dating a bisexual person. I said yes, and asked him why he wanted to talk about bisexuality with me all of a sudden. He said there was no particular reason, and I said it was funny because I had been meaning to talk about bisexuality with him, and that I was bi myself (although bi-asexual).
How did you feel? : I was very nervous and a little scared of his reaction. I was afraid he might reject me or see me in a different way now, that it might change our friendship. But I was relieved at the same time, because now he would know this important truth about me.
What was the person’s reaction? : He was puzzled by asexuality, and surprised that I was bi. He had clearly never thought I might be (although several of my friends had suspected before that I might be interested in women as well, and had told me so in the past).
What did they say? : He did not really want to believe that asexuality existed, but he didn’t try to contradict me. He said he was surprised I was bi, and he told me he was honored that I had decided to come out to him and that I trusted him with that knowledge.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : It was not really different. I just tried to talk to him a little about my orientation, but, although he is not homophobic, he is not totally comfortable with such topics, so I didn’t want to push him too hard. For everything else, things remained the same.
What’s it like now? : We are still close, he is one of the most important people in my life. I felt closer to him now that I had come out to him, and I felt our friendship was stronger because my coming out had not destroyed it (although I knew from the start that my friend would not stop caring about me once I had come out to him - but I had been afraid all the same).
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? : n/a
What happened? : n/a
What were peoples’ reactions? : n/a
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : I have experienced negative reactions to my asexuality. I had registered with an online dating site and I explained in my profile that I was asexual. Some people wrote to me to say that I was wrong, that I didn’t know what I was missing, that it was wrong to reject my sexuality or refuse to experiment, and so on.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : only_friends
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : partly_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : It is important to me. I don’t want my friends to have an inaccurate image of me, so I am out to them.
Being out also means showing other people that asexuality exists. Few people know about it and I think that by being out as an asexual, I can make asexuality more visible.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : France is not particularly homophobic, so I generally know I am not taking great risks by coming out to my friends - I guess it makes it easier.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : Lying and hiding. Being in the closet, for me, means hiding to people around me who I really am, and lying to them by allowing them to keep a false image of me.
The closet is a form of oppression as well, I guess. People lie and hide because they are afraid of telling the truth - either because they live in an unsafe environment and could be hurt if their orientation was known, or because they are afraid of being different.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : I would tell them to think about it carefully beforehand. Every time my coming out “failed” (when the other person reacted negatively), it was because I had been too excited or not prepared enough, and I had given the wrong impression. When I first came out to her, I was so nervous that my mother thought I was very distressed because of my orientation. But I came out to her again later, after thinking carefully about what I wanted to tell her, and I did my best to remain calm - and that time, she was very supportive and positive.
Try to come out to one person at a time. Think about what you are going to say, how you are going to explain (some orientations are pretty well known, but asexuality for instance often requires some explaning). Wait for an appropriate moment - don’t suddenly interrupt them to say “I’m…”. Tell them that this is something you want to tell them because they mean a lot to you and you want them to know this about you. Stay calm, speak quietly - if you are too excited, the other person might think you are uncomfortable with your orientation and they might react negatively to it as a way to protect you from something they think is hurtful to you.
Only come out if it feels right to you. If you feel it is going to go wrong, don’t do it. But if you can do it, please go ahead! I always feel happy and relieved after coming out (well, when it goes well of course). I feel closer to the person I’ve come out to because now they know the real me.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I would try to be calm and to explain what my orientation is carefully. That’s how I do it now and everyone I’ve come out to lately has been very understanding and supportive. I also try to explain what I feel (”I like men and women, but I don’t want to have sex with anyone”) rather than using technical words (”I’m bi-asexual”) because other people can relate to the feelings more easily than to the words.
Anything you want to add? : Successful coming out experiences have made me even more comfortable with my orientation. Negative ones have hurt me but they haven’t changed how I felt about myself. I think that coming out is a great experience and something that has made me closer to the people I have come out to. If it is not unsafe for you to come out, do it!
In : Bisexual
