Lizzie
February 28, 2009Name/nickname: Lizzie
Age: about to be 33 in a handful of days
Gender: Female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Lesbian/bi. But I mostly say lesbian because I am married to a woman, and being committed and monogamous, I don’t have any plans that involve the penis.
What other words would you use to describe yourself? None of them are orientation words. Weird. Geek. Fat. Atheist. Irritable. Amazon.
How old were you when you first realized your identity? Late teens, maybe, when I stopped lying to myself, but kept fighting. It was much longer before I acted on it.
How old were you when you first told someone? Heh heh. 27?
Did you plan it? If so, how? No. No. No.
What made you choose that person to tell? We were both drunk. We told each other.
Can you remember exactly what you said? I remember what we did. Any conversations came afterward.
How did you feel? Relieved. Very good.
What was the person’s reaction? Surprised but pleased.
What did they say? The conversation went something like: Her: “But you talk about boys, about Colin Firth.” Me: “Yeah, well, I think I’ve been bisexual for a long time. I just don’t talk about it. Anyway, the entire time you played womens football, you shouted all the time about how straight you were.”
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? I married her, so I’d say pretty good.
What’s it like now? Still good, though we’re physically separated because she’s going to school.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? A former coworker, who I’d just come out to, and told that I had gotten married. He told my former boss, who was pretty much the last person I would have ever told.
What happened? My former boss tracked me down at my dad’s house and congratulated me on my recent marriage and then got mad at me because I never told her I was a lesbian. Well, I wasn’t when I worked for her. At least not practicing … Anyway, I then berated my former coworker for outing me, and he innocently said, I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. I suppose it was a kneejerk reaction; he was shocked himself, and he had to tell someone, and our former boss had just called him out of the blue.
What were peoples’ reactions? Surprise, maybe shock. But overall not bad at all. Finding the right time to tell anyone that I’m lesbian is pretty hard, but it is mostly hard on me.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. I’m not sure I’ve had it directed at me personally, but more as a group. A couple of weeks ago, before Election Day, there was a large group of people standing at a busy intersection, shouting support for a measure that would outlaw gay marriage, called Prop. 8. (And it passed). Anyway, I felt very helpless and angry and upset because I knew all these people didn’t want me to be happy, and stood between me and my legal marriage to my partner of four years, and wife of a few months. I felt like a prisoner of hate as I did my shopping and actually cut my trip short because I was so upset. I cried most of the way home.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: n/a
Job: Very out. We were outed together on the day we got married legally, because people from work saw us at the courthouse. The rumor mill had already started, so we just decided to come out to everyone. It was actually a really good if uncomfortable experience.
Family: Some. Though I didn’t tell many of them directly. In fact, my father and I still don’t talk about it directly, but we’re getting a lot closer. But all the family members that matter to me know. And all the ones that don’t matter, never will. None of their business, especially if it means them sending more evil homo forward e-mails.
Friends: Mostly out. Some of my friends that I don’t talk to that much may not know. And if we’re in that situation, it probably means that we’re not close enough and it hasn’t come up and probably won’t. But if you ask me, I will tell. The last person I told did ask me about my wedding ring. She’s very religious and very sweet and I wasn’t sure what her reaction would be. She was pretty nice and though she doesn’t approve of my “lifestyle,” it went pretty well.
What does being out mean to you? It means being free to talk about my wife. No longer referring to her as my roommate. Because who stays with a roommate for four years, when you make enough money to live by yourself? It means talking directly about her to my dad or at work, without having to dance around who sleeps in what bedroom. It means sneaking an occasional peck on the cheek in the car. That said, I don’t know if I live my life particularly like I’m out all the time.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? I don’t know that there’s any difference to relate. I’m from a conservative part of the United States, the Midwest, so while there are gay people around, they’re pretty quiet about it. So it makes it pretty hard. My partner took me to a gay bar a few times, before either of us were out to each other, which I think is pretty telling, in retrospect. She said she liked to go there because she didn’t have to worry about being hit on by men. Anyway, the bar was very blue collar and low key. Which is how it needed to be in order to survive that area. When I moved to California, I thought it would be a lot different, that people would be a lot more accepting of homosexuality. The truth is, they’re not. The only really truly gay-friendly places in the state would be San Francisco, southern California’s sprawl known in general terms to none Californians as LA, and perhaps Sacramento. Where I live currently, they overwhelmingly voted to support Prop. 8, to prohibit gay marriage.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? It means not telling anyone about your orientation or your partner. Lying to people directly. Calling your partner your roommate. Lying to yourself.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Give people credit. They probably have some clue that you are gay. A lot of my friends claimed they knew, although it was probably only hindsight talking. It’s hard but it feels a lot better once you do it, like a big huge weight being lifted off. I haven’t had any seriously bad reactions so far. But then again, I haven’t told anyone who would have a serious bad reaction either. Probably because if they don’t love me for who I am, in my entirety, they’re not close enough to me to be worth bothering with. I’m thinking about one of my aunts, in particular. She would NEVER hear it from me. Maybe pick someone you know will be fairly sympathetic. Do NOT pick the least supportive, most bigoted person you can think of. :) And then I had people just figure it out, like my best friend. You’d be surprised.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? Give people more credit. Tell them earlier. It took me a year to tell the first person I told directly (aside from my partner, which was a mutual discovery, you might say). She was totally cool with it. I knew she would be, because her best friend growing up is a lesbian. I’m at the point now where I’m tired of covering up who I am, and who I am married to. So maybe I would’ve been more vocal earlier. It just took me a long time to grow into this new identity, I suppose.
Age: about to be 33 in a handful of days
Gender: Female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Lesbian/bi. But I mostly say lesbian because I am married to a woman, and being committed and monogamous, I don’t have any plans that involve the penis.
What other words would you use to describe yourself? None of them are orientation words. Weird. Geek. Fat. Atheist. Irritable. Amazon.
How old were you when you first realized your identity? Late teens, maybe, when I stopped lying to myself, but kept fighting. It was much longer before I acted on it.
How old were you when you first told someone? Heh heh. 27?
Did you plan it? If so, how? No. No. No.
What made you choose that person to tell? We were both drunk. We told each other.
Can you remember exactly what you said? I remember what we did. Any conversations came afterward.
How did you feel? Relieved. Very good.
What was the person’s reaction? Surprised but pleased.
What did they say? The conversation went something like: Her: “But you talk about boys, about Colin Firth.” Me: “Yeah, well, I think I’ve been bisexual for a long time. I just don’t talk about it. Anyway, the entire time you played womens football, you shouted all the time about how straight you were.”
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? I married her, so I’d say pretty good.
What’s it like now? Still good, though we’re physically separated because she’s going to school.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? A former coworker, who I’d just come out to, and told that I had gotten married. He told my former boss, who was pretty much the last person I would have ever told.
What happened? My former boss tracked me down at my dad’s house and congratulated me on my recent marriage and then got mad at me because I never told her I was a lesbian. Well, I wasn’t when I worked for her. At least not practicing … Anyway, I then berated my former coworker for outing me, and he innocently said, I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. I suppose it was a kneejerk reaction; he was shocked himself, and he had to tell someone, and our former boss had just called him out of the blue.
What were peoples’ reactions? Surprise, maybe shock. But overall not bad at all. Finding the right time to tell anyone that I’m lesbian is pretty hard, but it is mostly hard on me.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. I’m not sure I’ve had it directed at me personally, but more as a group. A couple of weeks ago, before Election Day, there was a large group of people standing at a busy intersection, shouting support for a measure that would outlaw gay marriage, called Prop. 8. (And it passed). Anyway, I felt very helpless and angry and upset because I knew all these people didn’t want me to be happy, and stood between me and my legal marriage to my partner of four years, and wife of a few months. I felt like a prisoner of hate as I did my shopping and actually cut my trip short because I was so upset. I cried most of the way home.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: n/a
Job: Very out. We were outed together on the day we got married legally, because people from work saw us at the courthouse. The rumor mill had already started, so we just decided to come out to everyone. It was actually a really good if uncomfortable experience.
Family: Some. Though I didn’t tell many of them directly. In fact, my father and I still don’t talk about it directly, but we’re getting a lot closer. But all the family members that matter to me know. And all the ones that don’t matter, never will. None of their business, especially if it means them sending more evil homo forward e-mails.
Friends: Mostly out. Some of my friends that I don’t talk to that much may not know. And if we’re in that situation, it probably means that we’re not close enough and it hasn’t come up and probably won’t. But if you ask me, I will tell. The last person I told did ask me about my wedding ring. She’s very religious and very sweet and I wasn’t sure what her reaction would be. She was pretty nice and though she doesn’t approve of my “lifestyle,” it went pretty well.
What does being out mean to you? It means being free to talk about my wife. No longer referring to her as my roommate. Because who stays with a roommate for four years, when you make enough money to live by yourself? It means talking directly about her to my dad or at work, without having to dance around who sleeps in what bedroom. It means sneaking an occasional peck on the cheek in the car. That said, I don’t know if I live my life particularly like I’m out all the time.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? I don’t know that there’s any difference to relate. I’m from a conservative part of the United States, the Midwest, so while there are gay people around, they’re pretty quiet about it. So it makes it pretty hard. My partner took me to a gay bar a few times, before either of us were out to each other, which I think is pretty telling, in retrospect. She said she liked to go there because she didn’t have to worry about being hit on by men. Anyway, the bar was very blue collar and low key. Which is how it needed to be in order to survive that area. When I moved to California, I thought it would be a lot different, that people would be a lot more accepting of homosexuality. The truth is, they’re not. The only really truly gay-friendly places in the state would be San Francisco, southern California’s sprawl known in general terms to none Californians as LA, and perhaps Sacramento. Where I live currently, they overwhelmingly voted to support Prop. 8, to prohibit gay marriage.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? It means not telling anyone about your orientation or your partner. Lying to people directly. Calling your partner your roommate. Lying to yourself.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Give people credit. They probably have some clue that you are gay. A lot of my friends claimed they knew, although it was probably only hindsight talking. It’s hard but it feels a lot better once you do it, like a big huge weight being lifted off. I haven’t had any seriously bad reactions so far. But then again, I haven’t told anyone who would have a serious bad reaction either. Probably because if they don’t love me for who I am, in my entirety, they’re not close enough to me to be worth bothering with. I’m thinking about one of my aunts, in particular. She would NEVER hear it from me. Maybe pick someone you know will be fairly sympathetic. Do NOT pick the least supportive, most bigoted person you can think of. :) And then I had people just figure it out, like my best friend. You’d be surprised.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? Give people more credit. Tell them earlier. It took me a year to tell the first person I told directly (aside from my partner, which was a mutual discovery, you might say). She was totally cool with it. I knew she would be, because her best friend growing up is a lesbian. I’m at the point now where I’m tired of covering up who I am, and who I am married to. So maybe I would’ve been more vocal earlier. It just took me a long time to grow into this new identity, I suppose.
Posted by ulla. Posted In : Lesbian
