Josh
Posted by ulla on Sunday, February 22, 2009
Under: Gay
Name or Nick Name : Josh
Country or City you are from: : Snellville, GA, USA
Your Age : 20
Your Gender : Male
What did you come out as? : Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : I’m an intelligent guy, I suppose, but I never like to take myself too seriously. You only live once, so I try to experience whatever I want. I like to think I’m rather laid back, most of my nights are spent just relaxing with my friends, boyfriend, or watching a movie.
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 11
How old were you when you first told someone? : 13
Did you plan it? If so, how? : In a way. I was “dating” (as much as a 13 year old boy can date) a girl at the time. We had remained really great friends, but she broke up with me because I wasn’t showing her enough affection. Later, I built up the courage to tell her online on AOL Instant Messenger that I liked guys, and that may have been the real reason why I couldn’t show her the affection she deserved.
What made you choose that person to tell? : Even after we broke up, she was my best friend. She is an incredibly sweet girl who I knew would not tell anyone and would only ever be there for me if I was sure about what I was telling her.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : I couched it in an apology. I was sorry that I wasn’t a better boyfriend. I was sorry that I couldn’t have been that for her. I genuinely thought I liked her, but she was just the closest friend I had ever had. I wasn’t confident with what I said next, “I think… I might like boys…”
How did you feel? : I was incredibly nervous, but the fear was lessened by the distance and impersonal nature of the internet and summer vacation. I was still scared, though, what my best friend would say. I knew she was religious, and I feared the wrath of God through her.
What was the person’s reaction? : She suggested that it might not be true, that it might just be a phase, but when I asked her “How many people do you know that have had this phase?” She didn’t have a good answer. She just told me that she was there for me and wouldn’t tell anyone.
What did they say? :
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : We only grew stronger. We began sharing more and more secrets with one another as the years passed by. She was the first person I told when I kissed a guy for the first time, and she was the first person I ran to when I had sex for the first time. I became her rock too, the person she could tell when she broke down her own barriers.
What’s it like now? : We’ve become slightly estranged now that we both go to college, even though she goes to the same college as I do. She has her own life and her own majors, but we keep in touch often. We both know that we’re still around if ever we need to call on one another.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? : I was outted unwillingly at school. Once you tell a few girls, the rest of the school ends up finding out. I was also outted unwillingly to my dad and mother. My step-mother was to blame for this.
What happened? : When I returned from a Screen on the Green movie from Piedmont Park with my then boyfriend, my step-mother asked me to help her to do some lawn work. In the middle of it, she asked me flat out, “Josh, are you bi or gay? Piedmont Park isn’t a place where everyone goes, you know?”
I froze, which gave away the obvious answer, but eventually told her, “Yeah, I like boys.”
She said, “That’s fine. Don’t worry. I’m bi, too.” At that moment I felt safe. I was sure that she would understand what it meant to be in my situation and why she couldn’t tell anyone for me. Instead she told my dad late one night when they were both drunk at a friend’s house. Later my dad told my mom before letting me tell her.
What were peoples’ reactions? : No one at my school actually cared much, surprisingly to me.
My dad decided that grounding me would be the best thing for me. “No one can come over and no one can spend the night.” I felt extremely betrayed. I spent a few weeks arguing with him, attempting to do so logically.
“I’m being punished for telling the truth. I’m being punished for letting you into a part of my life that I had no intention of letting you in so soon.”
Eventually he relented and allowed my friends to return, but it was my senior year of high school anyway. After that I moved out.
When my mom found out she called me and said, “Josh, I love you no matter who you like. I’m just sad. I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me first. I’m hurt that you didn’t think you could.” We had a heart-to-heart and she’s always been one of my greatest supporters since that point. To this day, she’s the only person in my family that has met any of my boyfriends.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : Actually, just recently at a restaurant downtown I was holding hands with my boyfriend when a rather drunk man leaned over and asked, “Are you two playing a GAME?” I could feel in his voice that he left off, “‘Cause if you are, you’d better stop, faggots.” It was a rather pointed question.
When my boyfriend calmly responded that “No” we were not playing a game. He paused, realizing truly what was going on, before resuming his conversation with his friend. I was actually scared, at that point, to leave the restaurant with that drunk guy walking around.
Turns out that his friend was at very least gay-friendly and argued with him in our defense. It made me feel great to know that bigots nowadays can’t even find enough other bigots to congregate with and hate publicly.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : partly_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : Being out to me doesn’t mean that everyone knows. That’s being flamboyant or being aggressive. Being out means that if the opportunity arose in a conversation to mention it, you’d be unafraid to talk about it. This is why I’m only partly out to my family. They all may know, but there are a few of them that I would refuse to talk about it to. To people that mean less to me, though, like at school or at work, I am unafraid.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? :
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : The closet is a safe place. For those that are capable of staying in them and want to, I don’t have a problem with it. It is a bit sad that they’ll never truly get to experience the gay world, but if it’s not something they can handle or something they want to be a part of, then I support them. Some people need a safe place, especially in areas that are extremely gay-unfriendly.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : Find someone you can trust and do it. DO tell someone. It spreads the burden of hiding part of yourself. It gives you someone you can confide in and talk to and experience your newly discovered sexuality.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I would have come out earlier in school. Having experienced no bad repercussions, I wish that I were able to be out and proud and experience more in high school. I feel like I missed out on so much that some of my friends at college got to experience before they were in the accepting environment of a college atmosphere.
Country or City you are from: : Snellville, GA, USA
Your Age : 20
Your Gender : Male
What did you come out as? : Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : I’m an intelligent guy, I suppose, but I never like to take myself too seriously. You only live once, so I try to experience whatever I want. I like to think I’m rather laid back, most of my nights are spent just relaxing with my friends, boyfriend, or watching a movie.
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 11
How old were you when you first told someone? : 13
Did you plan it? If so, how? : In a way. I was “dating” (as much as a 13 year old boy can date) a girl at the time. We had remained really great friends, but she broke up with me because I wasn’t showing her enough affection. Later, I built up the courage to tell her online on AOL Instant Messenger that I liked guys, and that may have been the real reason why I couldn’t show her the affection she deserved.
What made you choose that person to tell? : Even after we broke up, she was my best friend. She is an incredibly sweet girl who I knew would not tell anyone and would only ever be there for me if I was sure about what I was telling her.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : I couched it in an apology. I was sorry that I wasn’t a better boyfriend. I was sorry that I couldn’t have been that for her. I genuinely thought I liked her, but she was just the closest friend I had ever had. I wasn’t confident with what I said next, “I think… I might like boys…”
How did you feel? : I was incredibly nervous, but the fear was lessened by the distance and impersonal nature of the internet and summer vacation. I was still scared, though, what my best friend would say. I knew she was religious, and I feared the wrath of God through her.
What was the person’s reaction? : She suggested that it might not be true, that it might just be a phase, but when I asked her “How many people do you know that have had this phase?” She didn’t have a good answer. She just told me that she was there for me and wouldn’t tell anyone.
What did they say? :
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : We only grew stronger. We began sharing more and more secrets with one another as the years passed by. She was the first person I told when I kissed a guy for the first time, and she was the first person I ran to when I had sex for the first time. I became her rock too, the person she could tell when she broke down her own barriers.
What’s it like now? : We’ve become slightly estranged now that we both go to college, even though she goes to the same college as I do. She has her own life and her own majors, but we keep in touch often. We both know that we’re still around if ever we need to call on one another.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? : I was outted unwillingly at school. Once you tell a few girls, the rest of the school ends up finding out. I was also outted unwillingly to my dad and mother. My step-mother was to blame for this.
What happened? : When I returned from a Screen on the Green movie from Piedmont Park with my then boyfriend, my step-mother asked me to help her to do some lawn work. In the middle of it, she asked me flat out, “Josh, are you bi or gay? Piedmont Park isn’t a place where everyone goes, you know?”
I froze, which gave away the obvious answer, but eventually told her, “Yeah, I like boys.”
She said, “That’s fine. Don’t worry. I’m bi, too.” At that moment I felt safe. I was sure that she would understand what it meant to be in my situation and why she couldn’t tell anyone for me. Instead she told my dad late one night when they were both drunk at a friend’s house. Later my dad told my mom before letting me tell her.
What were peoples’ reactions? : No one at my school actually cared much, surprisingly to me.
My dad decided that grounding me would be the best thing for me. “No one can come over and no one can spend the night.” I felt extremely betrayed. I spent a few weeks arguing with him, attempting to do so logically.
“I’m being punished for telling the truth. I’m being punished for letting you into a part of my life that I had no intention of letting you in so soon.”
Eventually he relented and allowed my friends to return, but it was my senior year of high school anyway. After that I moved out.
When my mom found out she called me and said, “Josh, I love you no matter who you like. I’m just sad. I’m hurt that you didn’t tell me first. I’m hurt that you didn’t think you could.” We had a heart-to-heart and she’s always been one of my greatest supporters since that point. To this day, she’s the only person in my family that has met any of my boyfriends.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : Actually, just recently at a restaurant downtown I was holding hands with my boyfriend when a rather drunk man leaned over and asked, “Are you two playing a GAME?” I could feel in his voice that he left off, “‘Cause if you are, you’d better stop, faggots.” It was a rather pointed question.
When my boyfriend calmly responded that “No” we were not playing a game. He paused, realizing truly what was going on, before resuming his conversation with his friend. I was actually scared, at that point, to leave the restaurant with that drunk guy walking around.
Turns out that his friend was at very least gay-friendly and argued with him in our defense. It made me feel great to know that bigots nowadays can’t even find enough other bigots to congregate with and hate publicly.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : partly_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : Being out to me doesn’t mean that everyone knows. That’s being flamboyant or being aggressive. Being out means that if the opportunity arose in a conversation to mention it, you’d be unafraid to talk about it. This is why I’m only partly out to my family. They all may know, but there are a few of them that I would refuse to talk about it to. To people that mean less to me, though, like at school or at work, I am unafraid.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? :
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : The closet is a safe place. For those that are capable of staying in them and want to, I don’t have a problem with it. It is a bit sad that they’ll never truly get to experience the gay world, but if it’s not something they can handle or something they want to be a part of, then I support them. Some people need a safe place, especially in areas that are extremely gay-unfriendly.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : Find someone you can trust and do it. DO tell someone. It spreads the burden of hiding part of yourself. It gives you someone you can confide in and talk to and experience your newly discovered sexuality.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I would have come out earlier in school. Having experienced no bad repercussions, I wish that I were able to be out and proud and experience more in high school. I feel like I missed out on so much that some of my friends at college got to experience before they were in the accepting environment of a college atmosphere.
In : Gay
