Jonathan

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Jonathan

Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009 Under: Gay

Country & city:Reading, England
Name/nickname: Jonathan
Age: 34
Gender: Male
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Queer
How old were you when you first realized your identity? About 7 or 8
How old were you when you first told someone? 18
Did you plan it? If so, how? The BBC were making a documentary about gay people coming out, I plucked up the courage to tell one of the BBC people having called the number given out. Her name was Joanna Burge and she was the first person to officially know my ’secret.’
What made you choose that person to tell? As above, it was a BBC documentary I considered appearing on.
Can you remember exactly what you said? Just that I ‘thought’ I might be gay and then let out a HUGE sigh of relief.
How did you feel? As above, VERY relieved.
What was the person’s reaction? Good. They were warm, friendly and accepting.
What did they say? Just that it was okay to be gay and they thanked me for being able to tell them.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? We never spoke again.
What’s it like now? As the previous answer.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I worked as a gardener and the person who helped me to get the job told my employer I was gay. I didn’t mind them knowing but I’d like to have done it myself.
What happened? Nothing really.
What were peoples’ reactions? They were fine.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. My family can be quite homophobic and my Mum is big time however I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and recently told her. I first came out to her in my early 20’s and went on the local gay scene but knew I was upsetting her terribly so went back into the closet. I came out en masse and told everyone in my family about 5 years ago but couldn’t stand the feelings of shame because a lot of them can say disparaging things about gay people and I felt on some level that I had let them down. I said I’d made a big mistake and again went back into the closet. I’m now very fortunate to have friends in my life who really care about me and because of that, I’ve been able to come out properly, knowing I’m fully supported and accepted. That helps for when I get those old horrible feelings that have, in the past, led me back into denial. This time Mum knows that this isn’t something which is going to go away and more importantly, I know that too. I’m completely out to myself. I’m gay and I’m okay with it for like the first time ever. My Mum has really surprised me. When I broached the subject to her yet again she went ballistic but I remained calm and said “Mum, I’m gay. I don’t want to lie anymore. I’m tired Mum. I’ve had enough. I’ve got to be what I am from now on.” I think this surprised her and made her realise that this wasn’t something which was going to go away any time soon and aside from the odd cutting remark to begin with, she doesn’t hassle me out about it anymore.. It’s actually become a non-issue.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: N/A
Job: Mum and myself - I currently work from home.
Family: Two people know.
Friends: All my closest friends know.
What does being out mean to you? It means I don’t have to bullshit anymore cos it takes up so much energy to do that. I don’t need to put on a pretence, I have the freedom to be myself.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? In many ways my family are brilliant, you can rely on them totally and we’re a large close-knit family. On other levels, growing up knowing I was gay, I learned to keep it under wraps because most of my family neither like gays or agree with what we do.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? Being trapped, lying to oneself, shame, guilt, hurt and pain.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? I don’t think anyone should feel pressured to come out. If someone is coming out for others then I’d say that’s the wrong thing to do. When I came out to myself, 90% of the battle was won then and there. If there’s a threat of the person in question being hurt by the action of coming out to another, I’d definitely say not to do it. Instead find people who’ll be supportive, come out to them and form straight/gay allies.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? Yes, I would have come out as a teenager and stayed out, regardless of what others might have thought about it.