Jo
Posted by ulla on Sunday, February 22, 2009
Under: Lesbian
Name or Nick Name : Jo
Country or City you are from: : Johannesburg
Your Age : 34
Your Gender : Female
What did you come out as? : Lesbian
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : A mom - it defines so much of my life. Creative. Intelligent. Amusing. Optimistic. Enjoyable. Warm. Nurturing.
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 23
How old were you when you first told someone? : 23
Did you plan it? If so, how? : I told my boyfriend at the time that I was very attracted to girls. From there it just blossomed into me meeting girls and dating. But no, it wasn’t planned.
What made you choose that person to tell? : I’d known him since primary school and he was one of my best friends. We were doing a lot of raving at the time so we were in a sexually free environmemt.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : Probably something like “gd isn’t that chick with the blonde hair at Bizarre Extension gorgeous - do you think she’s straight?” LOL
How did you feel? : Free. Turned on. Beautiful. Nervous … very nervous.
What was the person’s reaction? : Positive and encouraging.
What did they say? : That he thought the 2 of us should take time apart and I should explore my lesbian desires.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : We dated again a year or so later. (Yes there I was back in the closet.)
What’s it like now? : We’re friends again.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : Not really. I mean, my mom was fairly upset when I finally came out again when I was 30 … but in general it’s been a non-issue for people.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : It doesn’t mean yelling out that I’m a lesbian or even telling people. But it means not hiding it - so if someone at a meeting asks me something about my “husband” I’ll correct them. If it comes up it comes up, if not then it doesn’t. One place I am very upfront is to the parents of my son’s friends … I think they should know when their kids come to play … just like I expect to know exactly what their domestic setup is.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : Nope
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : For me it means hiding parts of yourself, eitehr from yourself or others.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : Just do it! No matter how it turns out, at least you’ll be rid of all the stress and anxiety that comes from having to hide who you are and who you’re with. But then be patient with your family … you mat have given this a lot of thought, but they haven’t. It may take years of seeing you with your partner to realise that a gay partnership isn’t some kind of warped sexual thing … that it’s the same as theres.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I’d tell my family earlier and directly - they really figured it out on their own. And I would have stayed out when I came out in my 20’s rather than following some misguided notion that only straight couples have the whole white picket fence thing.
Anything you want to add? : Coming out completely so late (in my 30s) means I missed the whole lesson on how lesbian friendships etc work. Straight guys almost never stay friends with their exes so I wasn’t prepared for dating someone whose best friends are also her exes. Sometimes it makes me feel very isolated - like there’s all these things about “gayness” that I’m just never going to get.
Country or City you are from: : Johannesburg
Your Age : 34
Your Gender : Female
What did you come out as? : Lesbian
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : A mom - it defines so much of my life. Creative. Intelligent. Amusing. Optimistic. Enjoyable. Warm. Nurturing.
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 23
How old were you when you first told someone? : 23
Did you plan it? If so, how? : I told my boyfriend at the time that I was very attracted to girls. From there it just blossomed into me meeting girls and dating. But no, it wasn’t planned.
What made you choose that person to tell? : I’d known him since primary school and he was one of my best friends. We were doing a lot of raving at the time so we were in a sexually free environmemt.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : Probably something like “gd isn’t that chick with the blonde hair at Bizarre Extension gorgeous - do you think she’s straight?” LOL
How did you feel? : Free. Turned on. Beautiful. Nervous … very nervous.
What was the person’s reaction? : Positive and encouraging.
What did they say? : That he thought the 2 of us should take time apart and I should explore my lesbian desires.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : We dated again a year or so later. (Yes there I was back in the closet.)
What’s it like now? : We’re friends again.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : Not really. I mean, my mom was fairly upset when I finally came out again when I was 30 … but in general it’s been a non-issue for people.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : It doesn’t mean yelling out that I’m a lesbian or even telling people. But it means not hiding it - so if someone at a meeting asks me something about my “husband” I’ll correct them. If it comes up it comes up, if not then it doesn’t. One place I am very upfront is to the parents of my son’s friends … I think they should know when their kids come to play … just like I expect to know exactly what their domestic setup is.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : Nope
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : For me it means hiding parts of yourself, eitehr from yourself or others.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : Just do it! No matter how it turns out, at least you’ll be rid of all the stress and anxiety that comes from having to hide who you are and who you’re with. But then be patient with your family … you mat have given this a lot of thought, but they haven’t. It may take years of seeing you with your partner to realise that a gay partnership isn’t some kind of warped sexual thing … that it’s the same as theres.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I’d tell my family earlier and directly - they really figured it out on their own. And I would have stayed out when I came out in my 20’s rather than following some misguided notion that only straight couples have the whole white picket fence thing.
Anything you want to add? : Coming out completely so late (in my 30s) means I missed the whole lesson on how lesbian friendships etc work. Straight guys almost never stay friends with their exes so I wasn’t prepared for dating someone whose best friends are also her exes. Sometimes it makes me feel very isolated - like there’s all these things about “gayness” that I’m just never going to get.
In : Lesbian
