Country & city: USA - near Princeton, NJ (about halfway between Philadelphia and New York City)
Name/nickname: Geoff
Age: 24
Gender: male
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)?: First bi, then (soon after) gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? super-awesome, European mutt, telekinetic (see photo)
How old were you when you first realized your identity? 18
How old were you when you first told someone? 18
Did you plan it? If so, how? My best friend, who had moved across the country a few years earlier, had a visit planned, and I waited for her to get here so she could be the first to hear it in person. (I told a few online friends first to see how they’d react, but I wasn’t nearly as worried about that.)
What made you choose that person to tell? She’s been my best friend since we were 10, and I knew she was gay-friendly.
Can you remember exactly what you said? We were walking around my neighborhood, and I somehow turned the conversation to the point where I could say, “I like guys.”
How did you feel? Very nervous, even though I had trouble imagining her not being okay with it.
What was the person’s reaction? She was fantastic!
What did they say? She said “okay,” like I was telling her I liked wearing sneakers more than dress shoes. But when I told her I hadn’t told anyone else yet, she said “Oh Geoff!” and gave me a big hug.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? Much closer, since we were able to talk about everything openly. I also found out she was bi (and still is).
What’s it like now? I’m still on the East Coast and she’s back to the West, but we ended up going to college together (on this side of the country) and remain very close. We talk as regularly as she can, given that she’s a busy law student and I’m an admittedly less busy reporter!
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I don’t think I have, since I’m pretty open with it. (That’s actually the whole point of my blog!) But I do remember once when I shared a hotel with a friend at a convention my senior year in high school…
What happened? As we were checking out, some random guy, who was much older and bigger than me and looked decidedly unfriendly, turned to me randomly and asked, “Are you gay?”
What were peoples’ reactions? I said “no,” since I was identifying as bi at the time and didn’t want to get beaten up. But it certainly felt like being outed!
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. Walking around various cities with my boyfriend, I can think of a number of times people have called us names, and pretty much every time we go out together people stare at us constantly, like our joined hands are a twelve-eyed martian walking between us. I’m used to it by now, but it was pretty unnerving at first! Last New Year’s Eve, we went to a friend’s party in New York City, and on the way back we noticed some teenage boys staring at us and snickering, chatting excitedly, and so forth. New York is usually a pretty open-minded place, but I guess they missed the memo. After a few minutes waiting for the subway, I just turned to one and said point-blank, “We’re tired. I don’t feel like dealing with this tonight.” They didn’t bother us again, but they certainly got our blood boiling.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: Totally out, though I admit I went to very liberal schools.
Job: My boyfriend visits me for lunch pretty regularly and is quite popular at the office!
Family: I told a bunch of people and just let the gossip travel, but I assume everyone knows.
Friends: I couldn’t be friends with someone who would “disagree” with my sexuality.
What does being out mean to you? It means being honest about who I am. If a straight couple would do something in public (like hold hands) or admit something (like they think a celebrity is attractive), I do the same. I’m pretty unapologetic about it.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? I was raised in a very liberal, “granola” environment in the Northeastern United States, so I think that made things a lot easier. I have a gay aunt who’s been partnered almost my entire life, and married since it first became legal in Massachusetts. I also had a number of out teachers growing up, especially in high school, who were very supportive.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? I think it means different things in different situations. It runs the gamut, from a very reasonable and necessary form of self-preservation in certain areas to an irresponsible self-loathing in some public figures that causes them to crusade against a minority of which they themselves are a part. (Unfortunately, the latter seems like a particularly American trait, but feel free to correct me and give my patriotism a boost!)
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Everything is so much easier once you do it. And no matter how people react, you’ll be better off emotionally than you are now. Of course, if you think coming out could place you in physical danger, it’s not a good idea. But if you can’t be who you are where you are, it’s time to leave.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? Absolutely! I’d beat myself up a lot less, be more open, and do it much faster.