Existere
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009
Under: Queer
Country & city: Dual citizenship of two pretty great countries.
Name/nickname: existere (my blog’s name). I’m a fan of internet anonymity!
Age: 30
Gender: female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Originally came out as bisexual, which quickly changed to ‘queer’ as I liked the umbrella term. I’m now identified-by-others as a lesbian, identified-by-me as, well, me.
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Creative, quirky, intelligent, seeking.
How old were you when you first realized your identity? At age 14 I told people I would date a girl, but didn’t really connect that with anything. Started to seriously question my sexuality in university.
How old were you when you first told someone? Again - told who? I’ve pretty much always been out to everyone. But I told my mother at 19, and that was the most difficult and significant coming out. Incidentally, this accidentally happened on National Coming Out Day.
Did you plan it? If so, how? No plan. I just knew I didn’t want to be all claustrophic and hidden anymore.
What made you choose that person to tell? My mother was possibly the only person who didn’t already know! Also, she’s very very Catholic. I remember an immense growing feeling of irritation that she never asked about my life or the new people I was hanging out with. So I screamed at her down the phone, ‘Don’t you want to know who these people are? They’re GAY, Mom, it’s a GAY CLUB.’
Can you remember exactly what you said? Ooh - see above. I preempted the question.
How did you feel? 90% angry, 10% scared.
What was the person’s reaction? Not good. In fact, all those people from the GAY CLUB who had assured me coming out was sometimes painful but always over quick were later the ones telling me how fucked up my family was! I got a reputation as having had the worst coming out ever. My mother and I did not speak for months about anything really, and I tried to turn every conversation into a queer one.
What did they say? ‘This is abnormal, unnatural. It’s like finding out your daughter is a murderer or drug dealer. You know, I found a lump in my breast and if I die, you can’t come to my funeral.’ My personal favourite was at a restaurant shortly after The Conversation. She said, ‘So you like to eat pussy now?’
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? It’s been 11 years almost to the day since I told her. She loves my wife, seems to be starting to question her own politics, and I think she thinks I wouldn’t be happy without my wife in my life. Also think she may be looking forward to grandkids. We’re very close with her and my stepfather; my mother regularly wishes we would move back to her country. I love my mom.
What’s it like now? Crap, is it me, or do I have a habit of answering one question in advance?
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I am always willing to be outed, and I do it myself.
What happened?
What were peoples’ reactions?
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. Aside from my mother, most homophobia I think about is a political thing. This is because my wife and I don’t speak once we get off the plane in my country of birth, for fear she will be denied entry. We also are not free to live there, as it would be next to impossible for her to get a visa.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: I’ve done a few degrees - my BA was the hardest to come out to people. This was because friends might have known me already as ’straight’, and I also wasn’t sure what I identified as. This is why ‘queer’ was such a great label - I also liked the political connotations.
Job: Been out in every job I’ve ever had. I am uncomfortable when I am not.
Family: Out, out, and more out.
Friends: I can’t conceive of being friends with someone and them NOT knowing who I was - particularly as I’ve been married to a woman for eight years.
What does being out mean to you? Being out to me means being comfortable with being myself.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? I think it would be MUCH more difficult to be out in the country I grew up in. While being touted as a great and free nation, the oppresive religion and politics there would make life very difficult indeed.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? This is tricky as I wouldn’t want to offend anyone. I think it’s a mixture of shame, fear, and uncertainty - as well as a misguided sense of self-protection. I suppose all sorts of people have all sorts of reasons to be closeted, but I’m not one of those people. I will say that the way I look (straight, straight, straight!) means that society automatically puts me in the closet by assuming I’m not gay, so my life is peppered with lots of little comings out.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? I think living my life comfortably and openly is advice enough. I’ve found that people at various jobs (or those I know socially) end up coming out, and I’ve had quite a few people tell me that I helped them a lot….not by advice, just by being out and okay with it. I’m proud of this.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? I don’t know. It’s cliche to say you wouldn’t change anything because every choice has made you who you are, but I think it’s true. I kind of like my angry, hurting teenage self who was sure enough of herself to shave her head, pierce her tongue, and scream down the phone at her mother. It’d be nice to be able to hug her, though, because I know she had serious doubts that things would work out.
Name/nickname: existere (my blog’s name). I’m a fan of internet anonymity!
Age: 30
Gender: female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Originally came out as bisexual, which quickly changed to ‘queer’ as I liked the umbrella term. I’m now identified-by-others as a lesbian, identified-by-me as, well, me.
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Creative, quirky, intelligent, seeking.
How old were you when you first realized your identity? At age 14 I told people I would date a girl, but didn’t really connect that with anything. Started to seriously question my sexuality in university.
How old were you when you first told someone? Again - told who? I’ve pretty much always been out to everyone. But I told my mother at 19, and that was the most difficult and significant coming out. Incidentally, this accidentally happened on National Coming Out Day.
Did you plan it? If so, how? No plan. I just knew I didn’t want to be all claustrophic and hidden anymore.
What made you choose that person to tell? My mother was possibly the only person who didn’t already know! Also, she’s very very Catholic. I remember an immense growing feeling of irritation that she never asked about my life or the new people I was hanging out with. So I screamed at her down the phone, ‘Don’t you want to know who these people are? They’re GAY, Mom, it’s a GAY CLUB.’
Can you remember exactly what you said? Ooh - see above. I preempted the question.
How did you feel? 90% angry, 10% scared.
What was the person’s reaction? Not good. In fact, all those people from the GAY CLUB who had assured me coming out was sometimes painful but always over quick were later the ones telling me how fucked up my family was! I got a reputation as having had the worst coming out ever. My mother and I did not speak for months about anything really, and I tried to turn every conversation into a queer one.
What did they say? ‘This is abnormal, unnatural. It’s like finding out your daughter is a murderer or drug dealer. You know, I found a lump in my breast and if I die, you can’t come to my funeral.’ My personal favourite was at a restaurant shortly after The Conversation. She said, ‘So you like to eat pussy now?’
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? It’s been 11 years almost to the day since I told her. She loves my wife, seems to be starting to question her own politics, and I think she thinks I wouldn’t be happy without my wife in my life. Also think she may be looking forward to grandkids. We’re very close with her and my stepfather; my mother regularly wishes we would move back to her country. I love my mom.
What’s it like now? Crap, is it me, or do I have a habit of answering one question in advance?
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I am always willing to be outed, and I do it myself.
What happened?
What were peoples’ reactions?
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. Aside from my mother, most homophobia I think about is a political thing. This is because my wife and I don’t speak once we get off the plane in my country of birth, for fear she will be denied entry. We also are not free to live there, as it would be next to impossible for her to get a visa.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: I’ve done a few degrees - my BA was the hardest to come out to people. This was because friends might have known me already as ’straight’, and I also wasn’t sure what I identified as. This is why ‘queer’ was such a great label - I also liked the political connotations.
Job: Been out in every job I’ve ever had. I am uncomfortable when I am not.
Family: Out, out, and more out.
Friends: I can’t conceive of being friends with someone and them NOT knowing who I was - particularly as I’ve been married to a woman for eight years.
What does being out mean to you? Being out to me means being comfortable with being myself.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? I think it would be MUCH more difficult to be out in the country I grew up in. While being touted as a great and free nation, the oppresive religion and politics there would make life very difficult indeed.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? This is tricky as I wouldn’t want to offend anyone. I think it’s a mixture of shame, fear, and uncertainty - as well as a misguided sense of self-protection. I suppose all sorts of people have all sorts of reasons to be closeted, but I’m not one of those people. I will say that the way I look (straight, straight, straight!) means that society automatically puts me in the closet by assuming I’m not gay, so my life is peppered with lots of little comings out.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? I think living my life comfortably and openly is advice enough. I’ve found that people at various jobs (or those I know socially) end up coming out, and I’ve had quite a few people tell me that I helped them a lot….not by advice, just by being out and okay with it. I’m proud of this.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? I don’t know. It’s cliche to say you wouldn’t change anything because every choice has made you who you are, but I think it’s true. I kind of like my angry, hurting teenage self who was sure enough of herself to shave her head, pierce her tongue, and scream down the phone at her mother. It’d be nice to be able to hug her, though, because I know she had serious doubts that things would work out.
In : Queer
