Deb Adler
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009
Under: Lesbian
Country & city: Summerfield, Ohio USA debadler.com / msqueer.com
Name/nickname: Deb Adler/ D.J.
Age: 58
Gender: Woman
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here? Gay, Lesbian
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Lesbian, Lesbian-Feminist, Lesbian-Feminist Singer-Songwriter Activist (you get the picture!) Also known to refer to myself as “Dyke” amongst friends, but not from a “roles” perspective. And I have a “MsQueer” blog. (How should I know “Q” stood for “Questioning?” – Questioning what? J
How old were you when you first realized your identity? I was in Elementary School, very young – not sure what age exactly. I was aware of feelings of attraction to my girl friends and wanting to kiss them.
How old were you when you first told someone? I was in my early twenties. I was very fortunate in that I came out while working as a staff member at a Girl Scout resident summer camp. So I was among some very fun-loving, nurturing Lesbians of varying ages in a relaxed environment. I grew up as a child in the 1950’s already feeling attractions to my girlfriends in elementary school, and not understanding what that was all about. I didn’t have any role models on TV or in real life that I could relate to. There were no “hotlines” to call and no one to talk to, for fear I would be labeled some kind of psychopath and socked away in an institution somewhere. I lived in fear of being discovered. I was scared and confused. I tried to fit “the mold” - pretending to be interested in boys - but it was excruciating! I discovered Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon’s book, Lesbian/Woman in 1972. At age 22, this book was the proverbial life preserver tossed to me in turbulent seas. Although I knew I was a Lesbian much earlier in my life, being comfortable with that fact was another story. When I found Lesbian/Woman and began reading it, I laughed, I cried, but most importantly, I gained a new perspective of myself as a Lesbian: I was OKAY! I was not an abomination, nor crazy, nor perverted. I simply loved women. I devoured that book from cover to cover. I can still see that bright purple paperback cover, dog-eared from repeated use, that I wrapped in a brown grocery bag cover to hide from my parents. Years later, I managed to acquire a special 25th anniversary hardbound edition. It’s something I treasure. Del Martin’s “outness” gave me courage. She inspired me with compassion and intellect. By the example of her own very public relationship with her Lesbian partner, Phyllis Lyon, she inspired us all to know that we did indeed deserve all the happiness, fulfillment, and rewards of a healthy relationship, just like anybody else! Then, of course, with the flourishing of Women’s Music Festivals and Women-only coffee-houses, etc. my comfort level grew. I got sober at the 1979 Michigan Women’s Music Festival and started into recovery with other local Lesbians I had met there. Because our sexuality was secondary to our recovery from addictions, our straight recovery friends and support groups accepted us for who we were. It was quite the gift!
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I’ve been totally out since my late twenties. After I discovered “Women’s Music” (while counseling at another Girl Scout camp) when one of the staff introduced me to some albums of Meg Christian, Holly Near and Cris Williamson, I began to take my own music writing in a whole new direction. It was the early –to-mid 1970’s, and the Women’s Liberation Movement and the Gay/Lesbian Rights movement was underway. I appeared at rallies and coffeehouses, in concert throughout Ohio, the midwestern and eastern states, singing in support of Take Back The Night, …… I was interviewed in newspapers and ran ads for my performances – so there was really no way to conceal my identity if I had wanted to. I had the privilege of performing at Hartford CT’s first Lesbian Gay Pride Day Parade and Celebration in 1983. It was very exciting! There had been a great public relations push leading up to the big day, lots of cooperative work with the City of Hartford officials, etc. We actually made Paul Harvey’s noon radio newscast (an arch-conservative of the day with a very sarcastic spin on the Parade) and the parade step-off was 2 pm. No one knew what might happen that day – we just knew we had to march! It all went without a hitch and was a great day of celebration for everyone! They had a balloon release with messages inside them from loved ones, like “I love my mommy and she is gay.-Brian, age 10″
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. Actually, I did have to go “under cover” for a while, performing as “D.J. Lynn” because the Lesbian businesswoman I worked for was afraid that my “outness” would reflect negatively on her firm and I refused to stop performing. It was an interesting time. It didn’t last for long because everyone locally knew who I was and it just got confusing as heck for the locals and not worth the effort. I left the firm and kept on singing – as D.J. Adler. I had one experience with a woman who was in the graduate school with me. She had such a hard time with her own feelings and not being able to handle her lesbian identity, to was very painful for her. I felt so helpless because there was nothing I could do to help her. Eventually she came to grips with her sexuality but our friendship ended.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: My Bachelors and Masters degrees are in Theater Arts and Acting. Amongst the students and faculty we all knew “the scoop” on each other. It was a very free and accepting environment at both institutions – Wayne State University in Detroit, and Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. I can honestly say that my sexuality never prevented me from getting a role. Very cool. We were actually cast for our ability as actors, not “typed.”
Job: My being open about my sexuality at one advertising agency I worked for actually resulted in the owner’s wife (small family company) voting to support gay rights legislation in our state election a few years back. We had a lot of fun at that workplace because we were all honest – and there were no “hiddens.”
Family: My relatives received copies of my first release, D.J. Adler – Here & Now, which included songs like “Talking Gay Bar Blues” and “Woman My Lovely Woman” (a love song) and loved all the music on it. I had to come out to my Dad during the fiasco with the lesbian business owner I was working with, and he never waivered from his love and support for me. I don’t know what internal processing he might have had to do, but he never revealed it if he did. He remained rock steady in my life, for which I am grateful. As for my Mom, she was born in 1909 and came from a whole different generation than my Dad, who was 16 years younger than her. We were very close and I never forced the issue with her because it was sort of beyond her paradigm. She just knew I wasn’t interested in getting married and loved the life I had single.
Friends: I have lived in community as resident staff of a retreat and conference center for over 15 years. The rest of the staff are more like family now, plus we also share work in a global humanitarian non-profit organization so we have grown very close through the years. I am totally accepted and respected here. Some of us have connections to the Cherokee people and in accordance with those traditions, same-sex relationships and gays are viewed as just another aspect of “Human.”
What does being out mean to you? Being “Out” to me means being open and public with my identity as a Lesbian. I don’t hide my identity, but at the same time, nor do I flaunt it or force feed anyone. I believe in building bridges and helping others to feel comfortable. I’m not out to “prove a point” but to foster respect and understanding. I don’t need others’ approval because I am confident in my own identity. I see some people with an “in-your-face” confrontational manner of making an issue out of their sexuality and I just feel that they are seeking an approval from others that they haven’t been able to give to themselves yet.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? n/a
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? To be “closeted” means to have to remain silent regarding one’s sexual identity out of fear of adverse consequences in terms of others’ reactions, also to save jobs or protect family members. We’ve seen in the military, for example, LGBT service men and women are still being penalized for revealing their sexuality. Queers are still beaten up, fired, dis-owned, “de-programmed” and sometimes killed because of their sexuality. Sometimes the “closet” is a necessary survival tactic. I condemn no one. I look forward to the day when we truly have respect for diversity and no one has to live in fear.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? There are so many resources now for people coming out. It’s a very different world fro when I was that frightened little girl with no one to talk to. If someone has questions or needs support, they can find it in their community or online. The Trevor Project offers a 24-7 Helpline for LGBTQ Youth that is an awesome resource. There are Gay-Straight Alliances in the schools and support groups at LGBT Centers in the cities and college campuses. Mostly, I would want someone coming out to know that they are a child of Creator. We are one aspect of Creation exploring and expressing itself here on the Earth Mother. We are lot lesser than any other Being here. We are one with the All That Is, and We are loved. Enjoy and celebrate your sexuality. Don’t use it as a weapon. Practice allowing and tolerance towards others. Hatred kills the one who harbors it. As a Lesbian I have come to understand that my sexuality is about loving women, not hating men.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? NO. I have no regrets.
Name/nickname: Deb Adler/ D.J.
Age: 58
Gender: Woman
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here? Gay, Lesbian
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Lesbian, Lesbian-Feminist, Lesbian-Feminist Singer-Songwriter Activist (you get the picture!) Also known to refer to myself as “Dyke” amongst friends, but not from a “roles” perspective. And I have a “MsQueer” blog. (How should I know “Q” stood for “Questioning?” – Questioning what? J
How old were you when you first realized your identity? I was in Elementary School, very young – not sure what age exactly. I was aware of feelings of attraction to my girl friends and wanting to kiss them.
How old were you when you first told someone? I was in my early twenties. I was very fortunate in that I came out while working as a staff member at a Girl Scout resident summer camp. So I was among some very fun-loving, nurturing Lesbians of varying ages in a relaxed environment. I grew up as a child in the 1950’s already feeling attractions to my girlfriends in elementary school, and not understanding what that was all about. I didn’t have any role models on TV or in real life that I could relate to. There were no “hotlines” to call and no one to talk to, for fear I would be labeled some kind of psychopath and socked away in an institution somewhere. I lived in fear of being discovered. I was scared and confused. I tried to fit “the mold” - pretending to be interested in boys - but it was excruciating! I discovered Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon’s book, Lesbian/Woman in 1972. At age 22, this book was the proverbial life preserver tossed to me in turbulent seas. Although I knew I was a Lesbian much earlier in my life, being comfortable with that fact was another story. When I found Lesbian/Woman and began reading it, I laughed, I cried, but most importantly, I gained a new perspective of myself as a Lesbian: I was OKAY! I was not an abomination, nor crazy, nor perverted. I simply loved women. I devoured that book from cover to cover. I can still see that bright purple paperback cover, dog-eared from repeated use, that I wrapped in a brown grocery bag cover to hide from my parents. Years later, I managed to acquire a special 25th anniversary hardbound edition. It’s something I treasure. Del Martin’s “outness” gave me courage. She inspired me with compassion and intellect. By the example of her own very public relationship with her Lesbian partner, Phyllis Lyon, she inspired us all to know that we did indeed deserve all the happiness, fulfillment, and rewards of a healthy relationship, just like anybody else! Then, of course, with the flourishing of Women’s Music Festivals and Women-only coffee-houses, etc. my comfort level grew. I got sober at the 1979 Michigan Women’s Music Festival and started into recovery with other local Lesbians I had met there. Because our sexuality was secondary to our recovery from addictions, our straight recovery friends and support groups accepted us for who we were. It was quite the gift!
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I’ve been totally out since my late twenties. After I discovered “Women’s Music” (while counseling at another Girl Scout camp) when one of the staff introduced me to some albums of Meg Christian, Holly Near and Cris Williamson, I began to take my own music writing in a whole new direction. It was the early –to-mid 1970’s, and the Women’s Liberation Movement and the Gay/Lesbian Rights movement was underway. I appeared at rallies and coffeehouses, in concert throughout Ohio, the midwestern and eastern states, singing in support of Take Back The Night, …… I was interviewed in newspapers and ran ads for my performances – so there was really no way to conceal my identity if I had wanted to. I had the privilege of performing at Hartford CT’s first Lesbian Gay Pride Day Parade and Celebration in 1983. It was very exciting! There had been a great public relations push leading up to the big day, lots of cooperative work with the City of Hartford officials, etc. We actually made Paul Harvey’s noon radio newscast (an arch-conservative of the day with a very sarcastic spin on the Parade) and the parade step-off was 2 pm. No one knew what might happen that day – we just knew we had to march! It all went without a hitch and was a great day of celebration for everyone! They had a balloon release with messages inside them from loved ones, like “I love my mommy and she is gay.-Brian, age 10″
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. Actually, I did have to go “under cover” for a while, performing as “D.J. Lynn” because the Lesbian businesswoman I worked for was afraid that my “outness” would reflect negatively on her firm and I refused to stop performing. It was an interesting time. It didn’t last for long because everyone locally knew who I was and it just got confusing as heck for the locals and not worth the effort. I left the firm and kept on singing – as D.J. Adler. I had one experience with a woman who was in the graduate school with me. She had such a hard time with her own feelings and not being able to handle her lesbian identity, to was very painful for her. I felt so helpless because there was nothing I could do to help her. Eventually she came to grips with her sexuality but our friendship ended.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: My Bachelors and Masters degrees are in Theater Arts and Acting. Amongst the students and faculty we all knew “the scoop” on each other. It was a very free and accepting environment at both institutions – Wayne State University in Detroit, and Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. I can honestly say that my sexuality never prevented me from getting a role. Very cool. We were actually cast for our ability as actors, not “typed.”
Job: My being open about my sexuality at one advertising agency I worked for actually resulted in the owner’s wife (small family company) voting to support gay rights legislation in our state election a few years back. We had a lot of fun at that workplace because we were all honest – and there were no “hiddens.”
Family: My relatives received copies of my first release, D.J. Adler – Here & Now, which included songs like “Talking Gay Bar Blues” and “Woman My Lovely Woman” (a love song) and loved all the music on it. I had to come out to my Dad during the fiasco with the lesbian business owner I was working with, and he never waivered from his love and support for me. I don’t know what internal processing he might have had to do, but he never revealed it if he did. He remained rock steady in my life, for which I am grateful. As for my Mom, she was born in 1909 and came from a whole different generation than my Dad, who was 16 years younger than her. We were very close and I never forced the issue with her because it was sort of beyond her paradigm. She just knew I wasn’t interested in getting married and loved the life I had single.
Friends: I have lived in community as resident staff of a retreat and conference center for over 15 years. The rest of the staff are more like family now, plus we also share work in a global humanitarian non-profit organization so we have grown very close through the years. I am totally accepted and respected here. Some of us have connections to the Cherokee people and in accordance with those traditions, same-sex relationships and gays are viewed as just another aspect of “Human.”
What does being out mean to you? Being “Out” to me means being open and public with my identity as a Lesbian. I don’t hide my identity, but at the same time, nor do I flaunt it or force feed anyone. I believe in building bridges and helping others to feel comfortable. I’m not out to “prove a point” but to foster respect and understanding. I don’t need others’ approval because I am confident in my own identity. I see some people with an “in-your-face” confrontational manner of making an issue out of their sexuality and I just feel that they are seeking an approval from others that they haven’t been able to give to themselves yet.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? n/a
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? To be “closeted” means to have to remain silent regarding one’s sexual identity out of fear of adverse consequences in terms of others’ reactions, also to save jobs or protect family members. We’ve seen in the military, for example, LGBT service men and women are still being penalized for revealing their sexuality. Queers are still beaten up, fired, dis-owned, “de-programmed” and sometimes killed because of their sexuality. Sometimes the “closet” is a necessary survival tactic. I condemn no one. I look forward to the day when we truly have respect for diversity and no one has to live in fear.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? There are so many resources now for people coming out. It’s a very different world fro when I was that frightened little girl with no one to talk to. If someone has questions or needs support, they can find it in their community or online. The Trevor Project offers a 24-7 Helpline for LGBTQ Youth that is an awesome resource. There are Gay-Straight Alliances in the schools and support groups at LGBT Centers in the cities and college campuses. Mostly, I would want someone coming out to know that they are a child of Creator. We are one aspect of Creation exploring and expressing itself here on the Earth Mother. We are lot lesser than any other Being here. We are one with the All That Is, and We are loved. Enjoy and celebrate your sexuality. Don’t use it as a weapon. Practice allowing and tolerance towards others. Hatred kills the one who harbors it. As a Lesbian I have come to understand that my sexuality is about loving women, not hating men.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? NO. I have no regrets.
In : Lesbian
