I was exceptionally lucky. I had the full support of my kids’ dad, who always believed i was bisexual, and probably more of a lesbian.

I kept my first relationship from them as they were so young, and I felt that they didn't need to know. When I met Sarah in 2004, the kids were 13, 11 and 8; the older ones had some idea of what was going on already. I hate being secretive and wanted to be totally open with Sarah in front of them. I told David and Lori together. They asked no questions, but they both needed years to process it.

David was angry with me for many years. Lori was ok in the beginning, but struggled with peer pressure later. Steve was ok at 8, but battles with peer pressure now. It's a cruel world out there; kids insult him with, “Your mum's gay, so you are gay too.” At 13 all the boys are grappling with their own sexuality and he has definitely been bashed about by a few terrified poofters who want to hide their own difficulties.

They all love Sarah, and still have contact directly with her even though we separated more than a year ago.

Once my husband Jeremy and I knew we were getting divorced, we decided to keep our home. It has two houses on the property (my dad lived in one house). It took my dad 7 years to leave, so i stayed in a small flat next to Jeremy's house then. We had some meals together, and I ran the home. The kids could see us both working on our relationship, and yet living separately, so we introduced the idea of separation slowly. Jeremy was very upbeat about everything, but I battled. My first girlfriend was very open-minded about living arrangements. Sarah was less happy, and I started to pull away from Jeremy, both to make her feel less theratened, and to make the break from Jeremy that I needed. I needed to be my own person. Coming out came after all that.

One of the issues was timing. When the kids were pre-teeners, and still battling with my separation from Jeremy, it felt like too much to deal with. When they were young teens, it also felt unfair, because they were just beginning to grapple with their own sexuality. The weird thing was, one of Lori's friends was sure Sarah and i were involved, and actually poked her head into my flat at the wrong moment, she then outed me to my daughter!! Lori was 12 or 13 then. The same friend is now gay, so she must have just sensed it.

I cannot remember exactly when i told them, but the way I recall things, I wanted them to hear it from me. Sarah and I had decided to be together, so it was probably in 2004. David would have been 14, Lori 12, and Steve 8. Sjoe. Steve never understood what it all meant then. He just thought Sarah was very cool, they really connected in an amazing way and he was gutted when i left her.

As I said before, i wanted to love Sarah openly, and not hide any more from the kids. it was a relief one one side, but still a struggle. Lori insisted that I was never to attend school functions with Sarah. She softened after a while. Sarah watched a lot of weekend sport with me and she loved being a part of my family.

David was very angry with me for years, and he blamed me for the marriage breaking down. Jeremy hadn't told the kids about his part in the breakdown, but he didn't want the kids to turn on me. So, after a few years, he told them about his last affair, with a friend of ours. That hurt the kids enormously. Lori said, "Our family is like a soap opera."  David struggled to believe it at all. It took him a long time to accept it, because Jeremy was always his hero.

Jeremy is a very honest person. He is a good dad and a good person. The kids love him so much. He is a mentor and a hero to all of them, so I think he helped them to work through a lot of stuff. His view was that he didn't want the kids to discover secrets when they were 25 or 35, as often happens with family secrets. You can hide them for a while, but they always come out.

Jeremy and I both feel that life isn't neat and tidy. Many of our friends have got their marriage and family sorted out, which is obviously first prize. Our kids wondered if they were freaks because their dad cheated and their mom's gay. As they have matured, and looked at other families, they can see that everyone has their shit to deal with. Lori's boyfriend's Mom had twins last year, with Rick's step-dad. The step-dad is now gay, and lives in the same house, with his partner. Incredible! David's ex-girlfriend watched her parents' marriage crumble this year as it was revealed that their dad had fathered the last kid of their best friends. You know how life goes. Messy.

The consequences of the divorce are sometimes harder for them to handle, than my sexuality. They can't have both mom and dad at Christmas, and holidays are separate now. It really hurts me to see them battle with that, and it cuts me up anyway, but it's real life. Jeremy has a partner now, I cannot be hanging around in their space any more. We do some family functions all together, and she is a lovely person.

On a total tangent ... I wonder if I would have been a total slut if I’d never had kids. Once i came out, i really wanted to play the field. I never knew lust until i looked at women differently. I had been repressed for 39 years. but i actually couldn't allow myself to mess around in front of them, (and I'm too old and weary now).

We got Lori and David into their own therapy, to help them work through things. I want them to be ok about themselves, and accept themselves in their richness - as sexual people, socially academically and in the world of work. There is so much to growing up these days.
 
David is much more secure thn he was 5 years ago when I came out, and doesn't seem to need to conform to the mainstream. Lori is a very strong person, but only her closest friends know I am gay. They are lovely kids, and it seems none of my kids are gay. Lori is a strong supporter of gay rights in front of some of her fundamentalist mates. She is very angry with me at the moment, and is sick of my unstable relationships. She wishes i would just settle down with someone and get on with my life. They want me to be the adult, so they can be the adolescents.

Steve often checks with me whether this friend or that friend is gay. He's aware of how homophobia works. I think he has been terribly hurt by the attacks of people at school, but he realises some of them are hiding their own sexuality.

Jeremy has always taught them that you have to be true to yourself, whatever that means. He is such a strong role model for them, a successful person,  I think it has helped them to feel more ok about themselves.

The bottom line is.. there is much more to life than mom's sexuality, and I want them to have their own space to be themselves, regardless of mom or dad's issues. That's what being a teenager is all about.

The good things is we have all grappled together with these issues, and i am glad we told them when we did. They deserve the opportunity to work things through with me, while they are still maturing.

Words: Anonymous
Image: Ulla Kelly