Bernie
Posted by ulla on Sunday, February 22, 2009
Under: Lesbian
Country & city: South Africa, Jozi
Name/nickname: Bernie
Age: 36
Gender: Female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Bi/Gay/somewhere in between – didn’t want to label myself
What other words would you use to describe yourself? a woman, an environmentalist, quirky, almost always late, private
How old were you when you first realized your identity? Somewhere between 28 and 30
How old were you when you first told someone? 28
Did you plan it? If so, how? No
What made you choose that person to tell? She was an anonymous online person who I’d met on a gay website
Can you remember exactly what you said? Unfortunately, no
How did you feel? Vulnerable
What was the person’s reaction? She was very supportive
What did they say? She asked me some questions and told me about her experience and thoughts
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? The online friendship developed into a real-life one when we finally met
What’s it like now? Still friends
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? Not really, have been asked by people if I was gay when I didn’t want it to be public knowledge
What happened? Nothing, I got used to the idea that if people knew I didn’t really care
What were peoples’ reactions? Curiosity, a few strange coments from those not brave enough to talk about it openly
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. A lot within my family and from some friends before they knew I was gay. The only incident directed at me directly was by the owners of a hotel who made my partner and I feel extremely unwelcome.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: Not
Job: Out but not announcing it
Family: Completely with my close family but not at all with my extended family
Friends: Out to most
What does being out mean to you? Not hiding the fact that I’m gay and not being ashamed of being gay
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? Coming from a conservative family with a large homophobic extended family with no out gay family members presented a minor challenge!
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? It ranges from needing to maintain privacy about one’s sexuality to being fearful of the public acknowledgement of being gay
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? I wouldn’t unless they specifically asked for it. Each person must go through their own process as best they know how with whatever tools they have available. Find reliable friends/family you can talk to and who will support you through the worst times. Find a space where you can vent. Look after yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually and realize that it’s your life, nobody else’s. Read lots and watch lots of gay movies.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? Probably not. Although I would have preferred not to have expended as much energy worrying about how to make the process easier for others.
Name/nickname: Bernie
Age: 36
Gender: Female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Bi/Gay/somewhere in between – didn’t want to label myself
What other words would you use to describe yourself? a woman, an environmentalist, quirky, almost always late, private
How old were you when you first realized your identity? Somewhere between 28 and 30
How old were you when you first told someone? 28
Did you plan it? If so, how? No
What made you choose that person to tell? She was an anonymous online person who I’d met on a gay website
Can you remember exactly what you said? Unfortunately, no
How did you feel? Vulnerable
What was the person’s reaction? She was very supportive
What did they say? She asked me some questions and told me about her experience and thoughts
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? The online friendship developed into a real-life one when we finally met
What’s it like now? Still friends
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? Not really, have been asked by people if I was gay when I didn’t want it to be public knowledge
What happened? Nothing, I got used to the idea that if people knew I didn’t really care
What were peoples’ reactions? Curiosity, a few strange coments from those not brave enough to talk about it openly
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. A lot within my family and from some friends before they knew I was gay. The only incident directed at me directly was by the owners of a hotel who made my partner and I feel extremely unwelcome.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: Not
Job: Out but not announcing it
Family: Completely with my close family but not at all with my extended family
Friends: Out to most
What does being out mean to you? Not hiding the fact that I’m gay and not being ashamed of being gay
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? Coming from a conservative family with a large homophobic extended family with no out gay family members presented a minor challenge!
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? It ranges from needing to maintain privacy about one’s sexuality to being fearful of the public acknowledgement of being gay
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? I wouldn’t unless they specifically asked for it. Each person must go through their own process as best they know how with whatever tools they have available. Find reliable friends/family you can talk to and who will support you through the worst times. Find a space where you can vent. Look after yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually and realize that it’s your life, nobody else’s. Read lots and watch lots of gay movies.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? Probably not. Although I would have preferred not to have expended as much energy worrying about how to make the process easier for others.
In : Lesbian
