Name or Nick Name : Araliya
Country or City you are from: :
Your Age : 29
Your Gender : cisgendered female
What did you come out as? : Bi
What did you come out as? : Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : multilingual, independent, curious, friendly, unwilling to suffer fools, cussed, stubborn, honest, fearful, loving, happy
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 5
How old were you when you first told someone? : 18
Did you plan it? If so, how? : Not really.
What made you choose that person to tell? : She was the most open, friendly, loving person I knew and had just come out as bi as well.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : I let her read a journal entry written after a breakup in which I mentioned wanting to be with a woman.
How did you feel? : I felt nervous and apprehensive but also somewhat exhilarated - there was no way to back out of it once she’d started reading.
What was the person’s reaction? : She raised her eyebrows and looked up at me - she seemed more surprised than I had expected.
What did they say? : She said ‘really?’ And when I said yes, responded with a huge smile and a hug.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : Just as warm and friendly as ever.
What’s it like now? : That was a long time ago, but we’re still in touch. She was the first person with whom I discussed being bisexual within a monogamous relationship and then later the first person to be told about my being polyamorous. She’s always been supportive, even if from very far away.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? :
What happened? :
What were peoples’ reactions? :
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : I’ve experienced bi-phobia in both straight and gay circles (people on forums being rude about bisexuality, being told nobody’s really bisexual, being told to ‘make up your mind’). Poly-phobia is less fierce, mainly because fewer people have heard of polyamory and so have less to go on.
Both these phobias are coded in the language, really - monosexuality and monogamy are the norm so anything that deviates tends to be spoken of in negative terms (’non-monogamy’ vs. polyamory, for instance).
The ‘hot bi babe’ syndrome seems all-pervasive and is particularly irksome. Being bisexual and polyamorous does not equal being easy/sexually available.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : only_friends
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : only_friends
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : not_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : Being out means being able to breathe, being able to express myself and speak about my life as freely as my straight, monogamous friends can. It means having a voice and using it rather than flying under the radar by posing as a heterosexual, monogamous woman for fear of offending other people’s sensibilities. It means acknowledging the people I love and their place in my life. It means being a person in my own right, by my own definition, and being valued as such.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : I am a Third Culture Kid - moved between cultures all my life - so in a sense the knowledge that there are multiple ways of being out there helped me realize that my way of being was just as valid as anyone else’s. My parents’ monocultural background makes it hard to come out to them though, because they would lose face if their community knew.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : Silence. Suffocation. Unhappiness. Denial. Lies. Safety.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : Start with someone you know to be queer-friendly. Preferably, this will be a friend or family member you trust.
It’s hard, but try not to take a negative reaction too personally - it’s usually more about them than about you. With parents and family especially, the negative reaction can be a result of the dissonance between what they want for you (which is generally well-intentioned, if misled) and what they understand of the path you’re actually on. To get over it, they have to let go of their own dreams for you and that can take time.
But don’t wait around forever, either. You make your own happiness so the sooner you set about doing it, the better. With or without support.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I wish I’d done it sooner, but I suppose I had to grow into it and it happened when it needed to.
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