Anonymous
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009
Under: Lesbian
Country & city: South Africa/ JHB
Name/nickname: Anonymous
Age: 21
Gender: Female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Gay/ Lesbian
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Girl, femme, outgoing, humorous, sometimes irresponsible…
How old were you when you first realized your identity? I think I’m still struggling with this one in all honesty; I was attracted to girls since a very young age but because I was so small thought it was ‘normal’. Then I had by first sexual encounter with my best friend in Grade 10/ Standard 8 (which I would take back if I could). Met a girl end of matric and fell deeply in love with her, dated for a year and a bit then had my heart broken…she left me for another. I dated a few girls after her but never really fell for them, so I decided to try guys again….. When I was 15 I was taken advantage of by a matric boy, I think this had a lot to do with my negative feelings towards guys. I am attracted to boys yet find it so difficult to trust or allow myself to get close to them… And the thought of the dangly between their legs (vomit) I guess im just trying for my own sanity. I don’t know whether I will marry a man or a woman one day, I guess nowadays I see myself as bi cause I am attracted to both sexes , more so females, I often wonder if im being selfish and just trying to take the easy way out by living the so called ‘normal’ life… so that’s where im at, at the moment….
How old were you when you first told someone? 18
Did you plan it? If so, how? No!!! I was dating a girl at the time; we went to a gay club together and got hopelessly drunk - but before doing so I told her I would only come out to my parents once I moved out….. And so the story goes….
What made you choose that person to tell? I didn’t choose, the alcohol chose for me…
Can you remember exactly what you said? I didn’t actually say much. My girlfriend and I got home to my house, she went to my room and I went to let my mom know I was home… she told me to turn on the light… “LOOK HOW DRUNK YOU ARE!!” I start crying… “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?” So I tell her im depressed (it was really hard living such a lie) “WHY ARE YOU DEPRESSED? ARE YOU… ARE YOU A… ARE YOU A LESBIAN?” (Those words will haunt me forever and are still fresh in my mind) so my tears turned into sobbing… My mother then ran down the passage screaming oh my god our daughters a lesbian!!!!! Then proceeded to kick my girlfriend out the house and told her if she ever came back she would get a restraining order against her lol. My parents then came to my room where I was devastated in the tears were streaming (think i cried every last tear that night). My folks spoke to me, my mom did not take it well… My dad, what an amazing man, held me and said I love you more than my life and love you no matter who you love…you are still you to me. WOW hey? The humor in it all??? Well while I’m sitting in the middle my mom asks about grand children and my dad came to the rescue and began giving options of adoption and artificial insemination…was awful..
How did you feel? I felt great that they knew, the next morning however was awful.. Feelings of , was it a dream? Came upon me.. and the reality was the opposite in fact.. I then had to go face my family as a lesbian haha
What was the person’s reaction? I think I already summed that up haha
What did they say? Same as above
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? Broken a little, we went to a psychologist, she did not handle it well, but I knew she was trying. I eventually also told them that “Caryn” was not a friend but my girlfriend… My parents gave her a chance and grew to love her so much.. she became part of the family..
What’s it like now? Amazing, we have grown so close, she knows I am trying with guys again but has said I must do it for me and that she accepts me for me….
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? Someone one mentioned it in a crowd I barely knew..
What happened? I was furious as it’s not anyone’s place to say, but I kept my cool and said, “Yes I did date a girl for over a year and I loved her with all my heart, and I still love and miss her.”
What were peoples’ reactions? Surprisingly proud haha, they were so shocked at how happy I was with myself, so that made me feel good. Others however were quite shocked.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. My ex and I went away for a week, we went for dinner together one night and were just lightly holding hands (she was not too open in public, mainly cause she is in a band) the majority of the people around us gave us dirt looks, stared continuously and sniggered throughout their meal.. so I was quite happy to be there entertainment and decided to take the risk of embarrassing my girlfriend and I went down on my knee and proposed in front of everyone (without a ring haha) It was brilliant.. A few people clapped while others shook their heads.. and we scored a free bottle of champers lol
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life: Well everyone i meet eventually learns I’m bi which im totally proud of!!!!!
Educational institution: study at home
Job: No (I au pair- the family really doesn’t need to know my sexual orientation)
Family: All of them know
Friends: All of them know
What does being out mean to you? Not living a lie anymore, no more secrets, freedom, finally feeling proud about myself, not worrying about getting caught kissing a girl or being at a gay club or function.. its complete freedom
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? N/A
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? Hiding, living a lie in a world full of secrets where you are always wearing a different mask in every different context, that closet was filled with lots of shame, guilt, hate ,anger, sadness, loneliness and emptiness…. it’s a closet im glad to lock and leave behind!
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Do it when you are ready, but don’t hide it forever if you don’t have to… the friends that turn their backs on you.. Well good riddance they were never friends to begin with!! Hold your head up high.. This is not something to be ashamed of, it’s something that makes us, us… I think we are actually amazing people as people that look down on us or don’t understand us will unfortunately never be as open minded or as accepting as we are, we accept people for who they are and don’t judge. We fall in love with people not a gender!!!! Be proud.. And remember your sexuality does not change who you are… Think of it this way… remember when you were a child and failed that math test hopelessly or you broke the bedroom window and you had to tell your parents.. It was so scary but they are angry or whatever for a while then get over it.. Although this is a bit more serious.. Try seeing it as something like that… There will be all different sorts of emotions but they soon get changed with love. Honestly that night I came out I went and took a blade to my wrist which I will always have the scar for but, luckily due to the alcohol my aiming was not good hehe but thank goodness I did not take such tragic measures to escape fear! Because now everything is so much better than I imagined it would be!
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? No, although it was horrible it’s done now and no matter how I would have done it the outcomes today would be the same…
Name/nickname: Anonymous
Age: 21
Gender: Female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Gay/ Lesbian
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Girl, femme, outgoing, humorous, sometimes irresponsible…
How old were you when you first realized your identity? I think I’m still struggling with this one in all honesty; I was attracted to girls since a very young age but because I was so small thought it was ‘normal’. Then I had by first sexual encounter with my best friend in Grade 10/ Standard 8 (which I would take back if I could). Met a girl end of matric and fell deeply in love with her, dated for a year and a bit then had my heart broken…she left me for another. I dated a few girls after her but never really fell for them, so I decided to try guys again….. When I was 15 I was taken advantage of by a matric boy, I think this had a lot to do with my negative feelings towards guys. I am attracted to boys yet find it so difficult to trust or allow myself to get close to them… And the thought of the dangly between their legs (vomit) I guess im just trying for my own sanity. I don’t know whether I will marry a man or a woman one day, I guess nowadays I see myself as bi cause I am attracted to both sexes , more so females, I often wonder if im being selfish and just trying to take the easy way out by living the so called ‘normal’ life… so that’s where im at, at the moment….
How old were you when you first told someone? 18
Did you plan it? If so, how? No!!! I was dating a girl at the time; we went to a gay club together and got hopelessly drunk - but before doing so I told her I would only come out to my parents once I moved out….. And so the story goes….
What made you choose that person to tell? I didn’t choose, the alcohol chose for me…
Can you remember exactly what you said? I didn’t actually say much. My girlfriend and I got home to my house, she went to my room and I went to let my mom know I was home… she told me to turn on the light… “LOOK HOW DRUNK YOU ARE!!” I start crying… “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?” So I tell her im depressed (it was really hard living such a lie) “WHY ARE YOU DEPRESSED? ARE YOU… ARE YOU A… ARE YOU A LESBIAN?” (Those words will haunt me forever and are still fresh in my mind) so my tears turned into sobbing… My mother then ran down the passage screaming oh my god our daughters a lesbian!!!!! Then proceeded to kick my girlfriend out the house and told her if she ever came back she would get a restraining order against her lol. My parents then came to my room where I was devastated in the tears were streaming (think i cried every last tear that night). My folks spoke to me, my mom did not take it well… My dad, what an amazing man, held me and said I love you more than my life and love you no matter who you love…you are still you to me. WOW hey? The humor in it all??? Well while I’m sitting in the middle my mom asks about grand children and my dad came to the rescue and began giving options of adoption and artificial insemination…was awful..
How did you feel? I felt great that they knew, the next morning however was awful.. Feelings of , was it a dream? Came upon me.. and the reality was the opposite in fact.. I then had to go face my family as a lesbian haha
What was the person’s reaction? I think I already summed that up haha
What did they say? Same as above
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? Broken a little, we went to a psychologist, she did not handle it well, but I knew she was trying. I eventually also told them that “Caryn” was not a friend but my girlfriend… My parents gave her a chance and grew to love her so much.. she became part of the family..
What’s it like now? Amazing, we have grown so close, she knows I am trying with guys again but has said I must do it for me and that she accepts me for me….
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? Someone one mentioned it in a crowd I barely knew..
What happened? I was furious as it’s not anyone’s place to say, but I kept my cool and said, “Yes I did date a girl for over a year and I loved her with all my heart, and I still love and miss her.”
What were peoples’ reactions? Surprisingly proud haha, they were so shocked at how happy I was with myself, so that made me feel good. Others however were quite shocked.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. My ex and I went away for a week, we went for dinner together one night and were just lightly holding hands (she was not too open in public, mainly cause she is in a band) the majority of the people around us gave us dirt looks, stared continuously and sniggered throughout their meal.. so I was quite happy to be there entertainment and decided to take the risk of embarrassing my girlfriend and I went down on my knee and proposed in front of everyone (without a ring haha) It was brilliant.. A few people clapped while others shook their heads.. and we scored a free bottle of champers lol
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life: Well everyone i meet eventually learns I’m bi which im totally proud of!!!!!
Educational institution: study at home
Job: No (I au pair- the family really doesn’t need to know my sexual orientation)
Family: All of them know
Friends: All of them know
What does being out mean to you? Not living a lie anymore, no more secrets, freedom, finally feeling proud about myself, not worrying about getting caught kissing a girl or being at a gay club or function.. its complete freedom
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? N/A
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? Hiding, living a lie in a world full of secrets where you are always wearing a different mask in every different context, that closet was filled with lots of shame, guilt, hate ,anger, sadness, loneliness and emptiness…. it’s a closet im glad to lock and leave behind!
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Do it when you are ready, but don’t hide it forever if you don’t have to… the friends that turn their backs on you.. Well good riddance they were never friends to begin with!! Hold your head up high.. This is not something to be ashamed of, it’s something that makes us, us… I think we are actually amazing people as people that look down on us or don’t understand us will unfortunately never be as open minded or as accepting as we are, we accept people for who they are and don’t judge. We fall in love with people not a gender!!!! Be proud.. And remember your sexuality does not change who you are… Think of it this way… remember when you were a child and failed that math test hopelessly or you broke the bedroom window and you had to tell your parents.. It was so scary but they are angry or whatever for a while then get over it.. Although this is a bit more serious.. Try seeing it as something like that… There will be all different sorts of emotions but they soon get changed with love. Honestly that night I came out I went and took a blade to my wrist which I will always have the scar for but, luckily due to the alcohol my aiming was not good hehe but thank goodness I did not take such tragic measures to escape fear! Because now everything is so much better than I imagined it would be!
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? No, although it was horrible it’s done now and no matter how I would have done it the outcomes today would be the same…
In : Lesbian
