Country & city: Right now, Taipei Taiwan (but I’m from Paarl, SA)
Name/nickname: Andrea Toerien but ppl call me Rai
Age:31
Gender:female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? faithful
How old were you when you first realized your identity? TOO OLD! 19
How old were you when you first told someone? 19
Did you plan it? If so, how? I fell in love with a girl and we both pretended to be together…but we were too afraid to actually admit that we WERE both gay and into each other. It was very odd….
What made you choose that person to tell? I was madly in love with her
Can you remember exactly what you said? We were chatting on a couch at a friends house, and that friend fell asleep. Sarah Mclachlan was playing and I think that is the main reason we were finally open and honest about our feelings.
How did you feel? Very scared, but also very excited.
What was the person’s reaction? She kissed me!
What did they say? We were just both very happy and smiley and happy that we both were feeling the same way.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? Very intense and we did everything together..worked together, lived in a small room together…way too much too fast. But it was amazing too.
What’s it like now? Hmmm, we dont talk really.It was too intense and we were too young. Had different lifestyles….ended badly.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I was actually!
What happened? I had this little group at University called PMS (perverted men suck) and then two friends of mine were DJs on university radio and they said something about me and my Dyke Democratic party….
What were peoples’ reactions? Some laughed, some didn’t
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. I dont think half of my family is honest to me…they have said things to my mom and I have sent them e-mails asking them how they feel about me and that I wouldn’t mind if they didnt want me in their house, but nobody replied. We’re a very typical Afrikaans family and the moment you start talking and debating it’s seen as confrontation.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: n/a
Job:My boss knows, and most of the people I work with, but I’m a teacher here in Asia and it’s not a public school. If parents were against the idea of me teaching their young kids, they may take their kids elsewhere.
Family:Everyone knows
Friends:Everyone knows
What does being out mean to you? That I can talk about my gf and walk with her hand in hand. I don’t really talk about my sexuality a lot, it’s not a huge deal to me.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? HUGE…I was in an all girls school and there were many jokes about lesbian teachers etc, but that was the only contact I had with anything gay.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? Not being able to be truthful. Unfortunately I have to lie to some of the parents of the kids that I teach, because they ALWAYS ask me about when I’m going to get a boyfriend and when I’m going to get married. The way they have spoken to me about my lifestyle (being without a husband and not having kids just makes me realise how close-minded this society still is.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out?I had nothing to lose. Many people are faced with being disowned etc. My mother flipped for a while and said I wasnt her daughter, but there wasnt much else they could do. I’ve been looking after myself (and them) since I was 20. You just have to realise that you are the only person that you have to be around 24-7 for the rest of your life. You can’t live to make others happy…and a lie really doesn’t make others happy, nor yourself.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? OH MY..If I could do it all over again I would have been open about my feelings much sooner. I can remember being 7 and just feeling connected in a special way to SO many girls. And many of them turned out to be gay too….I can really remember this one girl coming into town..and my mom poked me in Woolworths and showed me this girl and said that she runs VERY fast( I was a runner when I was a kid) And I remember looking at her, with her short hair and tan, and how the white of her vest looked with her nice brown skin. DUH……I remembered her for a long time, and ran races against her. Then we ended up in the same school….I found out last year that she’s gay too. Hahahaha….that invisible bond..how great it is. I did tell my dad when I was 10 that I wanted to marry the girl from Roxette…I think I would have been a lot happier if I knew what was tormenting me. Things just didn’t feel right, and there was nobody around that was gay so I didn’t know why I was feeling the way I was. Once I got to university it just made a lot more sense:)