interviews

mayjbird

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 19:36:49 +0100

Name/nickname: mayjbird
Gender: female
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? dyke
What other words would you use to describe yourself? queer
How old were you when you first realized your identity? probably end of grade school
How old were you when you first told someone? When I was 13 years old.
Did you plan it? If so, how? I didn't, but I'm glad it wasn't pre-meditated... I might have chickened out.
What made you choose that person to tell? I was in an all girls choir that was touring Canada, we spent a lot of time on buses. One of the girls and I sat together for a couple hours one afternoon, she was a couple years older then me, and she told me that she had a crush on one of the other girls in the choir. It was the first time I heard another woman say that they had feelings like that. It was an immediate intimacy between us, that someone else felt like I did, I wasn't alone.
Can you remember exactly what you said? I heard myself say out loud for the first time that I had feelings for my best friend, a girl.
How did you feel? I felt normal for the first time, but mostly honest. I didn't have to lie about having a crush on a boy.
What was the person’s reaction? She didn't realize that this was an experience for me, and chatted away...
What did they say? She asked all about the girl I was crazy for.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? We were friends for the summer, but she went away to school. Funny enough we ran into each other recently and went on a few dates.
What’s it like now? I'm comfortable in my skin.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? When I officially was out to everyone, not just my close friends, it was not by choice.
What happened? My senior year of high school I broke up with my high school sweetheart, needless to say she did not take it well. She posted pictures of us kissing, holding hands on the Internet, with the caption, "she's a dyke, I fucked her and she liked it"
What were peoples’ reactions? Not good, I lived in a very conservative city, and I was very involved in my high school. I lost almost all of my friends that weren't gay. I ended up graduating at semester.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. Besides that experience at my high school, in my adult life I've found most people to be generally accepting. I've actually experienced what I consider homophobic from some girls I've dated, sometimes I can be very femme in appearance, if I choose to be that way. This does not it anyway define my sexuality. Some girls I've dated have used this to play out a dating a straight girl fantasy, and I've once been told by a girl I was seeing, "You're too gay, there's a difference between being OK with who you are and rubbing it in other's faces." Needless to say we didn't see each-other again.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: I went to culinary school, and I was one of the only women, it kind of helped. It's a very rough and crude environment in kitchens, it made things a little easier with the men, I was able to hold my ground. I'm now going to school for elementary education, it's been fine. I once was propositioned by a female professor, but I didn't accept her offer...
Job: I once got accused of calling out of work to go to pride... I did. Ha. Other then that it hasn't.
Family: My sister and I don't discuss it. My parents have decided who I love, they will love, but they still hold out hope I'll switch teams. My dad makes me help him lift things, and calls me his "boy". I have no brothers.
Friends: My male friends enjoy talking about sex with me, of course sigh, and my female friends are mostly gay to be honest.
What does being out mean to you? It means not allowing society to define normal.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? I don't think it really did.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? Fear.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? The people in your life that love you, will love you no matter who you love.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? I would make the choice to come out, that moment was stolen from me. I wish that I could've told my family myself. My younger sister was a freshman at the same high school I went to, and it made things rough for her, it also damaged our relationship.

http://mayjaybird.wordpress.com/

Josh

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:42:23 +0100

Name or Nick Name:
Josh

Country or City you are from:
Singapore

Your Age
20

Your Gender
Male

What did you come out as?
Gay

What other words would you use to describe yourself?
Funny, witty, optimistic (most of the time!) Hahaha

How old were you when you first realised your identity?
15

How old were you when you first told someone?
19

Did you plan it? If so, how?
Nope. It was rather impulsive of me (oh yes, that would be another adjective to describe myself). We just finished our last examination paper and were chilling out at a fast food restaurant. And so over fries and onion rings, I blurted out "I'm gay". And I didn't know what her response would be like, so I prepared myself with a "HAHA, PULLING YOUR LEG!" comeback line just in case.

What made you choose that person to tell?
She was (and still is) my best friend

Can you remember exactly what you said?
Nope, not exactly.

How did you feel?
Nervous! But quite excited too.

What was the person’s reaction?
She looked at me, speechless, and then went "oh, ok." Turns out she had other gay friends too. Hahaha, all that worry for nothing.

What did they say?
Nothing much. But very accepting. As if it was an everyday thing where friends come out to her.

What was your relationship with the person like afterwards?
We're still best friends:)

What’s it like now?
Ditto above

If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it?
Nope

What happened?
Nope

What were peoples’ reactions?
Nope

If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example.
Just normal school teases, nothing serious or fatal.

Since coming out how out are you at school?
Not applicable

Since coming out, how “out” are you at work?
Not at all

Since coming out, how “out” are you with family?
Not at all

Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends?
Close friends

What does being out mean to you?
It means being able to tell my friends that I totally A-D-O-R-E Gerard Butler, just like how they find that cover girl on FHM hot.

It means being able to talk sensibly, have a good, normal discussion with friends without having to worry that you might let something slip out carelessly.

It also means being able to go out with a boyfriend and hold his hand in public without the stares/pointing/arrest by the police.

What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out?
I grew up in a strict Christian household. Most of my friends come from the church. So my coming out was quite secretive and a much needed breath of fresh air.

BUT I do believe that it is possible to be gay and Christian.

What does the concept of the closet mean to you?
It means hiding and not living up to my potential. A closet would stifle my freedom and friendships.

What advice would you give someone wanting to come out?
Take your time. Plan it carefully.

If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how?
Nope. I'm grateful for that experience.

Anything you want to add?
Nothing much

You may add your website if you like
http://stormsinmydreams.wordpress.com

Kris/Damien

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 17:44:52 +0100

Country & City: St. John's, NL, Canada
Name/nickname: Kris/Damien
Age: 16
Gender: Boy, Guy
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? At first I came out as gay (never lesbian) and then trans
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Eccentric, childish, impish, dashing, charming, jackass, sock monkey, trannyboy
How old were you when you first realized your identity? Well apparently I was informing my parents that I was a boy since I could talk, but after a while with them correcting me I let it go, though I never felt right. I s'pose I finally put it all together at 15
How old were you when you first told someone? I came out as gay to my friends at 13, and then as trans to my girlfriend at 15
Did you plan it? If so, how? I didn't really plan it, though I knew I had to do it. I'd brought it up before, before I was actually sure. And then when I knew, one day I was at my girlfriend's house and I just needed to tell her. So I suggested we go for a walk, and well yeah.
What made you choose that person to tell? Well not only is she my girlfriend, but she's my best friend. There was sort of a sense that she deserved to know, but even on top of that, she was really the only person it seemed logical to talk to. And I've never kept anything from her before this, so why start?
Can you remember exactly what you said? I remember going really quiet and just walking with my hands in my pockets. She asked me what I was thinking. There were all these things rushing around my head, all the different things to say. I hadn't quite settled what to say before I'd opened my mouth and just said "I'm trans." And that was it.
How did you feel? I was really nervous and not at the same time. As afraid as I was that she'd think I was a freak, I knew deep down she wouldn't care. And she didn't.
What was the person’s reaction? She was quiet for a second then grabbed my hand and said "I know. And I still love you, if you were worried." Then she gave me a hug. It was amazing. Even though I knew she'd be okay in the end, I kinda expected a bit more drama. Though I can't say I'm disappointed.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? If anything, we're closer. She's still my girl, and my best friend. She said she's gonna be there when I tell my parents everything. Honestly, she's been the most supportive and helpful person ever. I don't really know where I'd be right now without her.
What’s it like now? Amazing
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I was, back when I was coming out as gay. To my knowledge, none of the people I've told that I'm trans have said anything. And if they have, I can't really see myself caring. I've never been big on stealth. It's on my facebook, all my statuses refer to me as he, him or his. It's a part of who I am. There's no real drama in coming out for me, I just prefer to let the people I care about hear it from me. Though I am worried about how my parents are gonna take it.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. Well there's been incidents of being called a dyke, lesbo, fag, etc. There was also an occasion on a bus when a lady told her son not to go near "people like that." Though I've never really let it bother me too much. I honestly don't care what people think of me. For the most part however, I've found a generally positive attitude. Especially when I'm with my girlfriend, we tend to get a lot smiles and approving nods.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Educational institution: Well I'm in high school, so people tend to make a big deal of other people's business. I've only told a few of my friends so far, but this is due more to convenience than anything. I know there have been rumors about me, and a lot of people want to know what the hell I am, but I really don't care. If they want to know badly enough they can ask me.
Job: I don't currently have a job, but I was out as gay at my last one.
Family: This seems to be my biggest downfall. I've always had a hard time talking to my family, and I'm not exactly looking forward to having to tell them that some of the biggest parts of the past years have been an illusion.
Friends: I'm not entirely out to my friends yet, in fact it's only a few that I've actually told directly. So far everything's been pretty positive. And I'll hopefully be telling everyone else once school starts again, and I start seeing them more often. It's more a matter of convenience.
What does being out mean to you? To me it's just taking being comfortable with yourself to the next level. It's just showing that you know who you are, and you're okay with it, and you want everyone else to be too. It's not hiding any parts of yourself for someone else's sake. In reality, it's being free. If you really think about it, hiding your sexuality to protect someone else's comfort is like hiding your sense of humor, or your preference of food.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out?
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? It's fear. It's self loathing. It's locking up parts of yourself, trying to "fix" yourself, when really there's absolutely wrong in the first place. It's trapping yourself in your mind, torturing yourself worse than anyone else ever could. Put simply, it's Hell.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? Do it. Don't wait, don't worry. Everything always seems so much worse than it ever could be. Just remember, no matter who or what you are, you have a right to be happy. And if you're scared of your family, just remember for every "I came out and the world came crashing down" story there's at least ten "I came out and absolutely nothing happened" which can be pretty reassuring.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? I'd do it sooner, and I wouldn't worry. I spent a long time torturing myself, convinced that my girlfriend was going to leave me for being a freak, even though deep down I knew she loved me, and could never be so shallow. I'd had myself worked into this crazed frenzy, and no matter how much I tried to see reason, I couldn't shake the ridiculous worries. Also, I'd have never come out as gay. Just as a straight guy.

TigerEyes on coming out to her kids

Wed, 27 May 2009 18:43:23 +0100

I made a point of raising my children to be aware of diversity and all that that may embrace, whether looks, health, colour etc, never dreaming that one day it would stand me in such good stead and make what for most is a huge step, one that for me went so smoothly.

I first starting exploring my same sex fantasies on the internet, name the lesbian chatrooms. My daughter found me on one of the chatrooms one evening and wanted to know what on earth I was doing there as I wasn’t gay and liked men too much… “Says who?” was my reply. She brought up the topic once or twice after that but there was no girlfriend on the horizon so no confirmation.

Months later I met my first girlfriend. The children had been away to their father for the weekend and she and I had been away to Mpumalanga. I stopped in at the hostel to say hello after I returned and to see if they needed anything for the week. After I’d heard about their weekend I’d told Jolene about my weekend and as I was leaving and about the start the car she said “**** is more than just a friend isn’t she mom?”. Well I went bright red and if I could’ve crawled under the steering wheel at that moment I would have! My daughter however reassured me she liked my girlfriend and was perfectly ok with it.

My son being a typical teen boy however was blissfully unaware of anything. We all four went away for a weekend and it got quite tricky, I was used to showing affection but didn’t want him to find out in such an “in your face” way. My girlfriend had never come out to her family even though she had had girlfriends from an early age so when I told her I was going to tell my son her reaction was “count me out!”. That week he and I were alone in the car and I mentioned I’d been going dancing etc at Gay Clubs. I asked him if he knew what it meant to be Gay / Homosexual. His answer was “yes, when to people of the same sex love each other”. Well that alone was enough for me to realize he would be ok with what I had to say, at the same time hearing someone else is gay is totally different to being told it’s your own mother! My daughter asked if she could be there when I told him saying that if he could see she was ok with I it would make it easier for him to accept. So that weekend I asked him to sit down as I had something to tell him. Jolene joined us. I told him I’d been spending a lot of time with **** and I needed to tell him that there was more than just friendship between us, that in fact she was my girlfriend and we were in a relationship. His reaction: “Kewl Mom, I like her and I’ve never see you so happy”.

Over the years they have both stood by me and been proud of me no matter who my partner was, there have been some they’ve liked more than others but the love between my children and I has been a rock for me!

A few South African perspectives on coming out to the kids

Wed, 27 May 2009 17:32:38 +0100

I asked members of a local forum to tell me what it was like to come out to their kids. If anyone out (or even not out) there wants to comment or share stuff, please feel free; you can either use the comment thingy under each post or you can use to contact form. Anonymity guaranteed if that is what you need. I have some more of these stories on the way too - plus, as ever, please consider doing the general far-too-linear coming out interview as well - add anything you like to it and ignore anything you don't like.

This is all I got from the forum so far:

I had a gf with kids once. We spoke openly to them, they had no issues. Until the eldest went to primary school. That's when he started saying stuff like 'girls shouldn't kiss' etc. That came from older kids, and made his life, and ours, difficult.

i dont have kids, but i think the whole coming out, even though i suppose necessary, if you do it from when they young, i dont see why you have to explain it, until maybe when they go to school, and then you just explain diversity in people.... and minority and majority groups, maybe thats too complicated, but ja, why does one even have to say anything ideally..? Unless its some sorta shift that needs explaning... ( guess im thinking about my kids to come so its a very one dimensional response)

coming out was brutal and very nearly destroyed them, and me. I was asked to move out the house and 'give the children some space'. I could only see them once a month for nearly a year, which ripped me apart. As my partner knew it would. The childrens schoolwork and discipline went to hell, they didn't understand what was going on, any more than I did, At least I had the advantage of knowing why i was changing. My boys were 11 and 13, on the threshold of manhood, and I left them. It's a guilt I haven't quite worked out yet, and three years of their lives I'll never get back. We're closer know, but that trust has been damaged, and I think it will take many years before they trust me completely again. And because of that, there's a sadness in me at me by me that will never really go away...

And a little lesbo humour from my mate Skwirrel:

When I came out to Gizmo (see photo above), all he said was... as long as your sexual orientation doesn't interfere with feeding times, who gives a fcuk?

Another forum member, TigerEyes, shared her story here a while back.

As always, I am incredibly grateful to everyone who shares anything here - it's brave and generous of you and I can tell you from the comments and emails I've got from this project in various ways, that you've helped other people and comforted them and given them things to identify with and lessened some loneliness too.

Coming out to the kids - a mother's story

Fri, 22 May 2009 20:49:32 +0100

I was exceptionally lucky. I had the full support of my kids’ dad, who always believed i was bisexual, and probably more of a lesbian.

I kept my first relationship from them as they were so young, and I felt that they didn't need to know. When I met Sarah in 2004, the kids were 13, 11 and 8; the older ones had some idea of what was going on already. I hate being secretive and wanted to be totally open with Sarah in front of them. I told David and Lori together. They asked no questions, but they both needed years to process it.

David was angry with me for many years. Lori was ok in the beginning, but struggled with peer pressure later. Steve was ok at 8, but battles with peer pressure now. It's a cruel world out there; kids insult him with, “Your mum's gay, so you are gay too.” At 13 all the boys are grappling with their own sexuality and he has definitely been bashed about by a few terrified poofters who want to hide their own difficulties.

They all love Sarah, and still have contact directly with her even though we separated more than a year ago.

Once my husband Jeremy and I knew we were getting divorced, we decided to keep our home. It has two houses on the property (my dad lived in one house). It took my dad 7 years to leave, so i stayed in a small flat next to Jeremy's house then. We had some meals together, and I ran the home. The kids could see us both working on our relationship, and yet living separately, so we introduced the idea of separation slowly. Jeremy was very upbeat about everything, but I battled. My first girlfriend was very open-minded about living arrangements. Sarah was less happy, and I started to pull away from Jeremy, both to make her feel less theratened, and to make the break from Jeremy that I needed. I needed to be my own person. Coming out came after all that.

One of the issues was timing. When the kids were pre-teeners, and still battling with my separation from Jeremy, it felt like too much to deal with. When they were young teens, it also felt unfair, because they were just beginning to grapple with their own sexuality. The weird thing was, one of Lori's friends was sure Sarah and i were involved, and actually poked her head into my flat at the wrong moment, she then outed me to my daughter!! Lori was 12 or 13 then. The same friend is now gay, so she must have just sensed it.

I cannot remember exactly when i told them, but the way I recall things, I wanted them to hear it from me. Sarah and I had decided to be together, so it was probably in 2004. David would have been 14, Lori 12, and Steve 8. Sjoe. Steve never understood what it all meant then. He just thought Sarah was very cool, they really connected in an amazing way and he was gutted when i left her.

As I said before, i wanted to love Sarah openly, and not hide any more from the kids. it was a relief one one side, but still a struggle. Lori insisted that I was never to attend school functions with Sarah. She softened after a while. Sarah watched a lot of weekend sport with me and she loved being a part of my family.

David was very angry with me for years, and he blamed me for the marriage breaking down. Jeremy hadn't told the kids about his part in the breakdown, but he didn't want the kids to turn on me. So, after a few years, he told them about his last affair, with a friend of ours. That hurt the kids enormously. Lori said, "Our family is like a soap opera." David struggled to believe it at all. It took him a long time to accept it, because Jeremy was always his hero.

Jeremy is a very honest person. He is a good dad and a good person. The kids love him so much. He is a mentor and a hero to all of them, so I think he helped them to work through a lot of stuff. His view was that he didn't want the kids to discover secrets when they were 25 or 35, as often happens with family secrets. You can hide them for a while, but they always come out.

Jeremy and I both feel that life isn't neat and tidy. Many of our friends have got their marriage and family sorted out, which is obviously first prize. Our kids wondered if they were freaks because their dad cheated and their mom's gay. As they have matured, and looked at other families, they can see that everyone has their shit to deal with. Lori's boyfriend's Mom had twins last year, with Rick's step-dad. The step-dad is now gay, and lives in the same house, with his partner. Incredible! David's ex-girlfriend watched her parents' marriage crumble this year as it was revealed that their dad had fathered the last kid of their best friends. You know how life goes. Messy.

The consequences of the divorce are sometimes harder for them to handle, than my sexuality. They can't have both mom and dad at Christmas, and holidays are separate now. It really hurts me to see them battle with that, and it cuts me up anyway, but it's real life. Jeremy has a partner now, I cannot be hanging around in their space any more. We do some family functions all together, and she is a lovely person.

On a total tangent ... I wonder if I would have been a total slut if I’d never had kids. Once i came out, i really wanted to play the field. I never knew lust until i looked at women differently. I had been repressed for 39 years. but i actually couldn't allow myself to mess around in front of them, (and I'm too old and weary now).

We got Lori and David into their own therapy, to help them work through things. I want them to be ok about themselves, and accept themselves in their richness - as sexual people, socially academically and in the world of work. There is so much to growing up these days.

David is much more secure thn he was 5 years ago when I came out, and doesn't seem to need to conform to the mainstream. Lori is a very strong person, but only her closest friends know I am gay. They are lovely kids, and it seems none of my kids are gay. Lori is a strong supporter of gay rights in front of some of her fundamentalist mates. She is very angry with me at the moment, and is sick of my unstable relationships. She wishes i would just settle down with someone and get on with my life. They want me to be the adult, so they can be the adolescents.

Steve often checks with me whether this friend or that friend is gay. He's aware of how homophobia works. I think he has been terribly hurt by the attacks of people at school, but he realises some of them are hiding their own sexuality.

Jeremy has always taught them that you have to be true to yourself, whatever that means. He is such a strong role model for them, a successful person, I think it has helped them to feel more ok about themselves.

The bottom line is.. there is much more to life than mom's sexuality, and I want them to have their own space to be themselves, regardless of mom or dad's issues. That's what being a teenager is all about.

The good things is we have all grappled together with these issues, and i am glad we told them when we did. They deserve the opportunity to work things through with me, while they are still maturing.

Words: Anonymous
Image: Ulla Kelly

Jonno

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 20:49:23 +0100

Country & city: Reading, England
Age: 35
Gender: Male
What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Gay
What other words would you use to describe yourself? Queer
How old were you when you first realized your identity? About 7 or 8
How old were you when you first told someone? 18
Did you plan it? If so, how? The BBC were making a documentary about gay people coming out, I plucked up the courage to tell one of the BBC people having called the number given out. Her name was Joanna Burge and she was the first person to officially know my 'secret.'
What made you choose that person to tell? As above, it was a BBC documentary I considered appearing on.
Can you remember exactly what you said? Just that I 'thought' I might be gay and then let out a HUGE sigh of relief.
How did you feel? As above, VERY relieved.
What was the person’s reaction? Good. They were warm, friendly and accepting.
What did they say? Just that it was okay to be gay and they thanked me for being able to tell them.
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? We never spoke again until I got into contact with them again only very recently through Facebook. They have an account there. She was as lovely as ever and made me realise I'd chosen the right person to tell all those years ago. Thank you Joanna.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? I worked as a gardener and the person who helped me to get the job told my employer I was gay. I didn't mind them knowing but I'd like to have done it myself.
What happened? Nothing really.
What were peoples’ reactions? They were fine.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. My family can be quite homophobic and my Mum is big time, however, I can't lie to myself anymore. I first came out to all of them in my early 20's and went on the local gay scene but knew I was upsetting Mum especially so went back into the closet. I couldn't stand the feelings of shame because a lot of them can say disparaging things about gay people and I felt on some level that I had let them all down. Alas, this thing isn't ever going to go away as much as I might have hoped it would.

I'm now very fortunate to have friends in my life who really care about me and because of that, I'm able to come out properly, knowing I'm fully supported and accepted in some quarters. That helps for when I get those old horrible feelings that have, in the past, led me back into denial. I'm completely out to myself. I'm gay and I'm okay with it for like the first time ever.

Mum doesn't like the fact I'm gay and seems surprised every time it gets mentioned but I'm no longer prepared to live my life trying to please and appease those who aren't ever going to be accepting of me. I have one life, this one and I'm going to live it the best way that I can and if that means not everyone is going to like it then so be it.
Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:
Job: Mum and myself - I currently work from home.
Family: Two people know. My Mum obviously and another family member who's been a wonderful and supportive ally.
Friends: All my closest friends know.
What does being out mean to you? It means I don't have to bullshit anymore cos it takes up so much energy to do that. I don't need to put on a pretence, I have the freedom to be myself.
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? In many ways my family are brilliant, you can rely on them totally and we're a large close-knit family. On other levels, growing up knowing I was gay, I learned to keep it under wraps because most of my family neither like gays or agree with what we do.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? Being trapped, lying to oneself, shame, guilt, hurt and pain.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? I don't think anyone should feel pressured to come out. If someone is coming out for others then I'd say that's the wrong thing to do. When I came out to myself, 90% of the battle was won then and there. If there's a threat of the person in question being hurt by the action of coming out to another, I'd definitely say not to do it. Instead find people who'll be supportive, come out to them and form straight/gay allies.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? Yes, I would have come out as a teenager and stayed out, regardless of what others might have thought about it.

Steve M

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:22:36 +0100

Country & city: London, UK

Name/nickname: Steve M.

Age: 42

Gender: Male

What did you come out as (gay, bi, transgendered, use any terms you like here)? Gay

How old were you when you first realized your identity? I knew I was same-sex attracted from the age of 12, but didn’t call myself gay until I was 21.

How old were you when you first told someone? 34

Did you plan it? If so, how? Yes I planned it for a short time and wrote letters to my mum and brother. But it was more like an emotional damn burst and I just had to let them know.

What made you choose that person to tell? Because they are the most important people in my life.

Can you remember exactly what you said? I was to the point but purposefully reassuring.

How did you feel? Some fear but an overwhelming sense of relief.

What was the person’s reaction? Cautiously positive at first and then accepting and celebratory.

What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? The same as it was before only I didn’t have to lie anymore.

What’s it like now? Good, no change.

If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. The atmosphere at my secondary school (1978-1983) was rabidly homophobic. It was a large school and single sex, which I think made it worse. During my early teens I internalised the pervasive homophobia to such an extent that, after leaving school, the most destructive homophobia I experienced was my own. From puberty I was comfortable with my sexual orientation, but I was petrified of the label “gay”. I desperately wanted to be seen as “normal” and certainly not as the kind of perverted, deviant monsters I “knew” gay people were.

Since coming out, how “out” are you in the following areas of your life:

Job: Not out.

Family: Fully.

Friends: Fully.

What does being out mean to you? It was a wonderful feeling to at last come out to my nearest and dearest, but I now realise it was not an end in itself. Coming out, for me, was a way of accepting my earlier life but that has not been completed. If I am honest, I deeply regret that I was not given the opportunity and/or did not find it in myself to come out a lot earlier in life.

What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? That’s a great question but can I change it to ask: What differences, if any, did your social background make to your experience of coming out? My cultural background is mainstream middle class suburban English. My experience of my sexual orientation has coincided with a dramatic change in the social acceptance of homosexuality. When I realised I was gay as a twelve year old in 1979, gays were social outcasts and gay sex was illegal unless you were over 21. Society was predominantly traditional in its views on marriage, etc. My coming out was dramatically influenced by the emancipation of gay people from the shadows of society. If that emancipation had not happened I am not sure I would be out today.

What does the concept of the closet mean to you? My closet was the place in which I hid my true identity from the outside world. I built it when I was a twelve-year-old child to protect me from the real threat of ostracism and, very possibly, violent bullying that would have resulted had I not done so. I didn’t choose to build it; it was a simple necessity and happened subconsciously. Its foundations were the rabid homophobia I experienced at secondary school and I maintained those foundations subsequently by the homophobia I internalised at that time. Although I was 100% clear that I was homosexual, within my closet I fostered feelings of contempt for openly gay people. It was as if they were challenging me or poking fun at me, even blaming me. For a period in my late teens I constructed an argument that it was OK to be homosexual but not to be gay! Being homosexual, it seemed to me then, was a simple matter of fact. Being gay, however, was an identity. When I reached adulthood, the closet became all about identity.

My closet was a very effective and enduring psychological construction. But, across its walls a huge tension existed. Anyone who has kept secrets and systematically deceived others for a long time – even themselves and their nearest and dearest - will know this kind of tension.

What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? I am no great believer in sexual confusion. I think you know if you are gay or not at some point in your life. When you know this – and knowing could happen at any time – I would advise anyone to come out when they feel that not to do so will adversely affect their chances of finding happiness.

Victoria

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 17:36:59 +0100

Name or Nick Name : Victoria
Country or City you are from: : Cape Town
Your Age : 37
Your Gender : female
What did you come out as? : Lesbian
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : in love with a girl
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 36
How old were you when you first told someone? : 36
Did you plan it? If so, how? : I'd just got it on with my first girl and I was so excited about it I had to tell my Mum! I was a little nervous though...the thought crossed my mind that maybe she wouldn't be too happy about it! But I told her anyway, grinning all the time.
What made you choose that person to tell? : We were living together at the time and she was my closest pal.
Can you remember exactly what you said? : You know yesterday when our friend said she was gay? And you said "well maybe you should make an honest woman out of my daughter then"...well, Ma, we got together. Thanks.
How did you feel? : I felt like I was telling her I'd broken one of her cups! Had no idea whether she would freak or not.
What was the person’s reaction? : she did a double take
What did they say? : "oh....well"
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : Fine! She was very curious.
What’s it like now? : She died 3 months later..but she was always cool with it.
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? : My girlfriend, but it was not a problem as the people she told (our tenants in the granny flat)kind of guessed anyway! They knew their landladies were sharing a 1- bedroom house so I'm sure it was obvious!
What happened? : Nothing! it just went from us talking about each other as friends to talking about us as a couple...very smooth.
What were peoples’ reactions? : They were so interested in our first kiss story, how we realised we liked girls, etc.
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : Not yet! Not directly anyway. i had a couple of acquaintances who seemed homophobic without knowing about me, so I've just stopped interacting with them.
Since coming out how out are you at school? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : not_applicable
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : all_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : all_out
What does being out mean to you? : It means being proud of being in love! We all should be anyway, whoever it's with, love is a wonderful thing!
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : I come from a background where there is generally acceptance of difference, so it's been easy.
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : I've never been in it but I think it must be a hard place to be.
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : First tell someone who loves and knows you as a person. Hopefully their love for you will help them get over any shock/prejudice.
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : I'd love to do it all again, exactly the same! It was exhilarating.
Anything you want to add? : love is all you need

marty

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 17:38:22 +0100

Name or Nick Name : marty
Country or City you are from: : Leeds
Your Age : 20
Your Gender : male
What did you come out as? : Bi
What other words would you use to describe yourself? : nervous
How old were you when you first realised your identity? : 18
How old were you when you first told someone? : 19
Did you plan it? If so, how? : no
What made you choose that person to tell? : they are my mates
Can you remember exactly what you said? : I said "I am bi and I like guys more then girls"
How did you feel? : glad
What was the person’s reaction? : shocked
What did they say? : cool
What was your relationship with the person like afterwards? : same
What’s it like now? : same
If you’ve been outed unwillingly, who did it? : no
What happened? : nothing
What were peoples’ reactions? : none
If you’ve experienced homophobia etc, please give an example. : name calling
Since coming out how out are you at school? : only_friends
Since coming out, how “out” are you at work? : not_out
Since coming out, how “out” are you with family? : are_you_crazy
Since coming out, how “out” are you with your friends? : only_friends
What does being out mean to you? : I can look at sexy boys bums
What differences, if any, did your cultural background make to your experience of coming out? : none
What does the concept of the closet mean to you? : keeping it a secret
What advice would you give someone wanting to come out? : come out to ur mates first
If you could do it all again, would you do it any differently? If so, how? : no
Anything you want to add? : no