Posted by ulla on Friday, January 1, 2010,
In :
queer
 2010 has just emerged, foetus-like from the bloody hips of 2009 and surely South Africa is thinking about things beyond soccer? And us queers, where are we? Well, I'm guessing most of us are still in closets. Iconic lesbian website After Ellen's round up of lesbians who came out in 2009 includes a whole one South African i.e. Melanie Lowe. Whether or not you like her music, if you're one of those fabled and privileged queers with plenty of disposable income, please go buy at least one of ...
Posted by ulla on Friday, December 18, 2009,
In :
dykestyle
 “Madonna, Lover, and Son” by Becki Jayne Harrelson, 1996. Oil on canvas, 80 x 68 inches. www.beckijayne.comSo, besides yelling, "Ho, ho, ho!" at your exes, what are you doing to dyke the halls and have yourself a lesbo little Christmas? If you're lucky, you have some form of well-adjusted family and can integrate into the general Christmas spirit without feeling the need to make it too queer - it's not always that way though, is it? For some, Christmas ends up being one of those times w...
Posted by ulla on Wednesday, October 28, 2009,
In :
queer
For the first and possibly last time in my life, I bought a copy of Rooi Rose (for any non South African readers, it’s an Afrikaans women’s magazine and although it’s come a long way since apartheid days, it’s still one of those magazines that one thinks of as safely mainstream i.e. hardly relevant to me, as part of the LGBTQI spectrum). I bought it for the story about Robert Hamblin, the artist formerly known as Adele Hamblin; photographer extraordinaire.
Robert’s physical transiti... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Sunday, October 25, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
 Both in and out of the lesbian community, butch lesbians take the most flak. We're the most easily identified of the species and so right from the get go, we're on the firing line. We are also constantly accused of "wanting to be men." Now that's complete nonsense right from the start, because a woman who wants to be a man is called transgendered and within that, may be any sexuality on the spectrum. If you're going to insist upon adhering to society's expectations and definitions, then y... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Sunday, October 18, 2009,
In :
queer
 There are people in my life and on the periphery of it, who will never ever truly accept me, because I am queer. Sure, some people have altered their thinking enough to embrace me without saying, "If only ..." but at least one close family member, some friends and a whole bunch more acquaintances do their best not to be homophobic, but are nonetheless. It's probably painful on both sides and I have grown past that youthful fervour that is convinced that some form of universal justice will p...
Posted by ulla on Wednesday, October 7, 2009,
In :
queer
 So I went to Joburg Pride this year - yay me! Is there anything better than thousands of queers all together? Alright, that probably sounds a bit separatist, but hey, it's really nice not to be outnumbered for once. The sun was out and so were we - most of the boys looking fabulous and most of us lesbians looking ... well, wearing jeans and t-shirts really; myself included. I contemplated a pink grim reaper outfit, but just didn't get it together. Anyway, my girlfriend I scored QueerLife...
Posted by ulla on Monday, September 14, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
Yet another idiotic headline by South Africa's Daily Sun newspaper - and since their idiotic website is under idiotic construction, I couldn't find out anything about the story. And nope, I couldn't buy the newspaper, it was late on Sunday, driving through a rural bit of the Eastern Cape.
Given my country's history of apartheid and that old madam and maid concept, I would, in fact, be interested to know the story - but not from a snotrag tabloid's point of view. I also question the word us...
Posted by ulla on Saturday, September 5, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
 After enough years, thinking up new dyke opinion pieces to write becomes a little more challenging. Address the stereotypes, lament the hatred, joke about dyke drama ... blah blah blah. One of my three readers said (and I quote), "Oi feminist, write about hair - I want to throw the razor away." My personal opinion of leg, armpit and pube shaving and waxing and electrolysis and so on is, if you want to do it, do; if not, don't. Most queer women I talk to these days say they're fans of shavin...
 "I hate the term commitment rings," she said - and I pondered it a bit. If it isn't an engagement ring, or a wedding ring, but it is a symbol of love and commitment, what else is one supposed to call it? Then of course, there is our communal queer history of concepts like engagement and marriage representing things we were not allowed to do by law. And so what we could do, was commit verbally, in front of our friends, any family who hadn't disowned us and our cats. We could get Wiccan and c...
Posted by ulla on Thursday, July 30, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
 Don't ask me why, but "lesbian haircuts" and "lesbian hairstyles" are the two search terms that still get me the most hits on Stuff Dykes Like and I think I only ever posted one link to a book on the subject there. So I figured I'd better write something about it all. Once upon a long ago, on a queer internet forum, us lesbians used to refer to the Twelve Sacred Lesbian Haircuts - they don't exist, any more than the Secret Lesbian Handshake does, but it's a hell of a good way to tease newbies...
 I took that photo in East London the other day, sniggering. I wondered which headline would scare South African lesbians most; swine flu or being haunted by girlfriends? On the whole, I think I'd rather have the swine flu, thank you. That said, most of my excess of exes seem to be delightfully benign these days and I am certainly not stalking any old flames myself, so perhaps I am immune, for now at least. Why is it that great friendships are so very simple and comfortable, but girlfriend...
Posted by ulla on Tuesday, July 7, 2009,
In :
dykestyle
I get called sir by cabin crew and petrol pump attendants and business contacts and, well just lots of people. It happens to me face to face and on the phone too. As a young kid I was mistaken for a boy a few times and was highly delighted - my Famous Five hero was always George. I'm sure I've said it before, but there was one memorable time when I was 23 and a guy shook my hand and congratulated me on being brave enough and man enough to wear a skirt. I've never been particularly uncomfo... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Sunday, June 28, 2009,
In :
queer
 Partner. Is it just me, or did that word once signify a subtle way of not specifying the gender of one's lover? And didn't more queer than straight people use it, or have I been fooling myself? In my often muddled mind, when I lived in the United Kingdom in the nineties, "partner" was a useful signal that you were in fact talking to a queer person, because straight people just said girlfriend or boyfriend without fear of being discriminated against for it and of course, in those days, only...
Posted by ulla on Wednesday, June 3, 2009,
In :
queer
I love photographing drag kings and queens - my only complaint is that there aren't nearly enough drag kings in South Africa. If I had the (ho ho) bollocks to perform, I'd start doing it myself. Anyway, while photographing a gay beauty pageant and cabaret in East London the other night, I thought about the last time I photographed lots of drag queens - which was Johannesburg Pride 2008. It gave me a lot of great photographs and some new Facebook friends ... there was one particularly nasty... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Wednesday, May 27, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
 I am starting to conform to stereotype - the one where lesbians stay friends with their exes. It's not even all that long since I wrote a rant against that very thing and I guess I have to blame stuff for this turnaround. So here goes.
I have exes who are really good people, who, despite having survived the horror or relationships with me, are compassionate enough to want to be friends. Somewhere along the way I guess I also pulled my head out of my ass long enough to see them for the good ... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Sunday, May 17, 2009,
In :
queer
 I was sitting on the beach yesterday talking to one of my favourite straight women about sexuality. We both agreed that things would be better if everybody on earth thought they were bisexual and then just did whatever and whoever they wanted from that point. She was astonished when I told her how prejudiced the gay (not queer!) community is towards bisexuals. Now, I don't conside myself bisexual at all. I tried a few times, to have sex with men who I loved so much that really, all that w...
Posted by ulla on Sunday, May 10, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
 How many lesbians and their husbands did Lin Sampson talk to before she wrote her somewhat mystifying column " Bride on the gravy train," one wonders? In her version of things, "many" men looking for second wives choose lesbians, for a variety of cliched reasons. “I’m sick of all those straight women. They bleed you. I want someone
who doesn’t think that a blowjob deserves a Prada handbag,” said one. (The Sunday Times Lifestyle, May 10 2009)It would be exhaustingly boring to tackle eve...
Posted by ulla on Thursday, April 16, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
I bet I am the last lesbian on earth to work this one out; butches wear cargo pants and other clothes with completely extraneous pockets, because femmes don't like to take their handbags into nightclubs and we end up carrying stuff for them. A few times wearing jeans with the standard five pockets and you start missing your cargo pants, because wearing anything else, by the end of the night you end up resembling one of those, "Is that two wallets, car keys, lipstick, tissues and a coupla cel... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Monday, April 6, 2009,
In :
queer
 Arcadia is an industrial suburb of East London, in the Eastern Cape - a "city" which is pretty much ignored by the world and certainly by the gay media, because it's little and rather faded around the edges and entirely lacking in glamour. All of those things are also what make it an incredibly cool place to be.
If you came to visit, I'd take you to Club Eden; down a dark back street (that euphemism may even appeal to some) and only very gently signposted and through the bars of its security ...
I write a whole heap of stuff taking the piss out of us, the lesbian community and a whole heap about the stereotypes – but it occurred to me that I don't write so much about the good stuff. And there is so much good stuff.
Do you remember when you first worked out you were a lesbian? Maybe the best part is the first time you do something about it … wasn't that experience just like coming home? Suddenly the jigsaw's all together perfectly, making the most beautiful image.
How about falli... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Tuesday, March 3, 2009,
In :
queer
Posted by ulla on Monday, March 2, 2009,
In :
queer
I’d been ignoring Facebook, because it’s bloated and buggy and doesn’t generate income – I hadn’t even bothered to go and turn email notifications off again after it decided to restore them all to my account without my consent. Emails would arrive, I’d delete them unless they were really interesting. Six friend requests came in and I ignored those too, because I assumed they were more of you lot i.e. groupies. I jest, I jest! To cut a tedious story short, when I got a message ... Continue reading ...
(orig published by MambaGirl.com)
I’ve been asking the same question for years. What the hell is foreplay in lesbian terms? See, I assume that for straight people, foreplay is anything before penetration – I could be wrong there, but I don’t want to be educated about it thanks. Some of my best friends are heterosexual and they’re a bit like the Discovery Channel for me, but there are limits. They’re entitled to respect, dignity and privacy. Also, i don’t think they appreciate ... Continue reading ...
(orig. published by MambaGirl.com)
Seduction doesn’t need to be about flowers, candlelight and sleazy,
cheesy music. Not that any of those things are intrinsically bad, just
a little trite in that context.
Despite the gentle persuasion and arousal involved, it doesn’t work
without tacit permission from whomever you’re trying to seduce either.
It doesn’t need to be planned. It doesn’t need to be “performed” by
only one of the people involved.
The first step in seduction would be t... Continue reading ...
(orig. published on MambaGirl.com)
Ah phone sex … not the kind you have to pay for, where the “lesbian” on
the other end is probably just a bored housewife in her flannel
pyjamas, but real phone sex, with a real lesbian. A real phone too.
Bearing that in mind, there are two possibilities i.e. sex with someone
you know and sex with someone you don’t know.
Phone sex works better using a hands free kit or an old fashioned
handset – not because you’re going to have sex with the phone,... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009,
In :
elderdyke
(orig. published by QueerLife)
Years ago, when I wrote another column for another website, I used to
bleat often, “Where are the elderdykes?” At that stage I was about 30
and didn’t know any lesbians much over 45. All my whining got two
responses and I had a drink with a really cool fifty something in Cape
Town, and got lectured by a lovely sixty something in KZN, about the
responsibility of us young dykes towards their elders. Well, I couldn’t
agree more. In fact, I think we all have... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
(orig. published by QueerLife & Cherrygrrl)
Write something from a dyke perspective, they reckon … what’s that? I
suppose I have a permanent lesbian’s eye view, being a lesbian and all,
but what makes it different to heterovision?
Through the glass dyke-ly I see a world that’s far
too diverse to bother with closets, but we do. Everyone has secrets.
When Michael Stipe came out he said he was fed up being made to feel
guilty, when he wasn’t ashamed of being gay, he just wanted to keep... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009,
In :
dykestyle
(orig, published by QueerLife)
Write something from a dyke perspective, they reckon … what’s that? I
suppose I have a permanent lesbian’s eye view, being a lesbian and all,
but what makes it different to heterovision?
Through the glass dyke-ly I see a world that’s far
too diverse to bother with closets, but we do. Everyone has secrets.
When Michael Stipe came out he said he was fed up being made to feel
guilty, when he wasn’t ashamed of being gay, he just wanted to keep his
private ... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009,
(orig. published by QueerLife)
It struck me today, with all the force of dandelion fluff in a light
breeze, that I haven't tackled a dyke stereotype in a while. So - dykes
and cats. Apparently dykes and cats go together like drag queens and
heels; the questions therefore are: Do they really? And if so, why? As
for the first question, I don't have a clue. Statistics are inherently
dodgy and I don't have any. Not only do I lack stats, I lack cats too -
if the truth be told, I have two dogs and ... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
(originally published by QueerLife)
Here’s the side of the phone call you hear between your girlfriend and her ex-girlfriend:
Hello?
Hello!
Exchange of how-are-yous
Laughter
Mild sexual innuendo
Unemotional mention of current girlfriend
Confiding tone
Expressions of concern/interest
Multiple lingering farewells
Wistful facial expression followed by very bright smile
Ring any bells? Things can be as innocent as they like, but boi oh boi
do lesbians ever hold on to their exes. I’m probabl... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009,
In :
dykestyle
This and all the posts before it orig published on QueerLife.
By Ulla Kelly
Last night I was doing something I do extremely rarely these days i.e.
sitting in a live, dynamic lesbo chatroom. I really should have logged
the chat, but it’s only just hit me now, at lunchtime the next day, how
funny it actually was.
One of the chatters’ avatars was an ass (not of the donkey variety)
with a smiley face (badly) drawn on it. Someone commented, lots of
people asked whose ass it was, I said, “Cru... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Saturday, February 28, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
The title of this column is a quote from a lesbian called Wasabi on the
Q forums, and when I read it some months ago, I almost pissed myself
laughing – it’s just so accurate and witty.
What is it about lesbians and poetry? It’s like comfortable
shoes and short hair; it’s one of those stereotypes that’s widespread
enough to work. Before I get lynched by used-tampon-wielding lesbo
poets, let me state here and now that I too write poetry – generally
under the heading “really bad l... Continue reading ...
If you live in a major city, it's easy – there'll be gay nightclubs and
activity clubs and hangouts and stuff to do. You've got to keep your
eye on it though, apart from a few landmarks, things change a lot.
There's always a lot of conjecture about why and you can join in
online.
What if you live in Smallville? People obviously go to their nearest
major city if there's one around, or they get on with life and make the
occasional weekend foray to somewhere far, where they probably drink
to... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Friday, February 27, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
By Ulla Kelly
I keep attempting to disprove stereotypes about dykes in these columns,
but the truth is that there are some I cheerfully conform to.
Short hair – check. It’s still extremely short after being
shaved right off and I love it. I feel confident and in control with
short hair and I reckon it suits me too. I have also, while being a
fully functioning dyke, had very long hair. I just find it annoying and
yes, I enjoy the fact that I’m easily identified as gay. Even when I’m
be... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Friday, February 27, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
By Ulla Kelly
It's yet another stereotype, but the words "dyke" and "drama"
frequently stroll hand in hand through our little lesbian ghetto. We
all roll our eyes at the notion and pretend it only happens to other
dykes.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and indulge in some rather
sexist stereotyping. I suggest that in heterosexual relationships, it's
possible that it's the female of the species that indulges more in
things like discussions of emotions, and that this is what ends up
being la... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Friday, February 27, 2009,
In :
stereotypes
By Ulla Kelly
Yup, this week I'm tackling a little stereotype – as well as an
often-made fatuous remark. I need to tell you that lesbians are not
fake men, do not wish they were really men and don't want to sleep with
men. Sorry guys. Help yourself to all that fake-lesbo porn; you know,
the airbrushed stuff full of blonde bimboid cheerleader types pouting
profusely and faking ecstasy for money. Hold on to your fantasy
lesbians, but please don't try to convert any real ones. Lesbians, my
dea... Continue reading ...
Alright, so you've caught your lesbian. Now what are you going to do with her? If I know dykes, the first date might very well be a negotiation of romance followed by sex followed by discussion of childhood traumas, all preparatory to that tired old joke about moving in together on the second date. Try not to sleep with her on the first date - unless you really want to.
By the time you've got to know her online you've probably been doing some fairly heavy duty seduction - as delicious as th... Continue reading ...
Posted by ulla on Monday, February 23, 2009,
In :
g33kdykes
When cellphones hit the country, the streets were littered with dykes with 5110's clipped to their belts in little black pouches. Dykes (and I am generalising wildly) like gadgets. Dykes usually know how to connect things and quite often fix things too. Some dykes like power tools, some (like me) are absolute whores for any new, sleek hi-tech toy on the market. And I'll say it now, because I know you're waiting for it, that means sex toys too. A quick look at any good woman's sex toy website ... Continue reading ...
| All over the internet ... like Marmite. Only tastier.
iDyke
| Ulla Kelly |
| Eastern Cape, South Africa |
|
Weekly columnist for Q back when it was owned by the Mail & Guardian, regular columnist for Queerlife in 2008, as well as contributing to MambaGirl, Cherrygrrl, Gayspeak and other websites, I decided it was about time I collected it all in one place, so I can see what I've done and hopefully keep doing new stuff.
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