If you live in a major city, it's easy – there'll be gay nightclubs and activity clubs and hangouts and stuff to do. You've got to keep your eye on it though, apart from a few landmarks, things change a lot. There's always a lot of conjecture about why and you can join in online.

What if you live in Smallville? People obviously go to their nearest major city if there's one around, or they get on with life and make the occasional weekend foray to somewhere far, where they probably drink too much and proposition too many woman, instantly falling in love with Helga from Germany who's leaving for home the next day anyway.

This is probably better than doing all your socialising online and having to be content with cybersex and yearning for Helga until one of you decides to move continents – or manufactures some quick Dyke Drama (TM) and explode the whole relationship before it gets real.

Odds are that if you live your life on and offline in the same places for long enough, you'll find some dykes - “if you build it, they will come.” Don't desperately look for love though; it's better to watch and wait and see who the psychodykes are first.

This isn't a dyke-specific thing, it's just a thing. Both cyber and meatspace give you time to get to know people, so remember that woman cannot exist on love alone, you need friends too and maybe even some general networking contacts.

Some of my best friends are straight (sez she, subverting another stereotype) so don't ignore the hetero-people. If you have some kind of phobia against the poor things, try to remember that a) some of them are probably lesbians just waiting to emerge and b) some of them may be able to hook you up with their other gay mates. Yay.

The internet's a lifesaver though, isn't it? Instant queer communities all over the place. A word to the wise here, when you decide to join one, don't stomp in saying “Hi I'm Fluffycheeks97 and I wanna meet women,” because all of us battlescarred cyberdykes will probably assume you're a troll i.e. Someone who is not a woman/not a lesbian pretending to be one.

If there's an Introduce Yourself area, do it there, if not, just saunter in and either say a bit about yourself or respond to some banal topics. Read what's there and be sensitive to surroundings, the way you would in any realtime social situation, assuming you were relatively urbane and well-mannered.

If you walk into a lesbian gathering not knowing anyone, strut to the bar, order something, check out the crowd, make eye contact. If you can dance, do – and smile, but not in a freakish stalker bunnyboiler way. Wherever you are and whoever you're hoping to meet, it probably helps if you get on well with yourself first.

And if anyone needs me, I'm in a tiny village in the Eastern Cape, still trying to work out if I'm the only gay in the village.