I keep attempting to disprove stereotypes about dykes in these columns, but the truth is that there are some I cheerfully conform to.

Short hair – check. It’s still extremely short after being shaved right off and I love it. I feel confident and in control with short hair and I reckon it suits me too. I have also, while being a fully functioning dyke, had very long hair. I just find it annoying and yes, I enjoy the fact that I’m easily identified as gay. Even when I’m being chatted up by gay men.

Comfortable shoes – check. Honestly though, why do women ever wear uncomfortable ones? You may as well have your feet bound and be done with it. I don’t understand how physical damage and not being able to flee if necessary makes up for the idea that you (supposedly) look sexy in heels. Your choice, obviously, but it mystifies me. Mostly I do leather boots and old skool sneakers and I’m quite fussy about brands and styles.

Flannel/plaid shirts – check. I own two and they’re both of the overpriced designer variety. They’re also more to do with my Kurt Cobain fetish and my Generation X grunge thing than my sexuality, but hey, I’m not ashamed to stand shoulder to plaid shoulder with my sisters – as long as they don’t clash too badly with my colour scheme.

Pinkie/thumb ring – check. I wore a ring on my littlest finger for years then started wearing one on my thumb and someone said, “oh that’s so lesbian,” which I thought was great.

Short fingernails – check. I’d have them whether I was gay or not, I reckon. They bug me when they grow long and always did, even at school, where it was daring to defy rules and sport talons. I don’t want to have to worry about slicing a woman when I’m inside her either.

Walk like a man – check. An ex once told me that my walk is masculine because I don’t move my hips. I like to think I strut confidently, I also like to think it means I don’t ever look like a victim.

Wear men’s clothes – check. OK let me justify this one. A lot of things these days are unisex and I wear men’s eau de toilette too – but scent experts say one should always choose based on fragrance regardless of gender. Also, I don’t have much of a waist and the way men’s jeans are cut fits me well. I can also just buy by size without trying anything on. And women’s clothing has odd things like fake pockets and little pleats and straps and who knows what and I am a conventional sort of utility-dyke. I think if I had to dress femme it’d still be minimalist (think Armani).

And if anyone needs me, I’ll be shopping for cats.