(originally published by QueerLife)

Here’s the side of the phone call you hear between your girlfriend and her ex-girlfriend:
Hello?
Hello!
Exchange of how-are-yous
Laughter
Mild sexual innuendo
Unemotional mention of current girlfriend
Confiding tone
Expressions of concern/interest
Multiple lingering farewells
Wistful facial expression followed by very bright smile

Ring any bells? Things can be as innocent as they like, but boi oh boi do lesbians ever hold on to their exes. I’m probably generalizing revoltingly yet again, but I just haven’t noticed the same level of attachment in any groups but us. I get a sense of this terribly well-intentioned and earnest motivation; we have fucked and shared stuff, therefore the connection must always be present and meaningful. And why not?

Of course, dyke drama abounds and I suppose exes make good soap operas, on the whole. Or, with a large enough pot and a big fire, probably quite good soap too.

In my own ideal universe, where everyone’s social circle is limited to the Dunbar Number (google it!) then probably we’d all know everyone anyway, with the occasional exception. Mind you, that particular scenario might limit lesbians’ hunting activities and perhaps we wouldn’t have quite so many exes in the first place.

I once lived with a woman and it took me a few months to ask her to take her ex’s photo off the wall. She couldn’t understand why I’d asked and then got slightly grouchy because she’d then have to find something else to put in its place. OK I know, I know – she just didn’t dig me that much.

Since then, despite the odd hormonal storm of neurotic insecurity (I am lesbian, hear me whimper), I’ve pretty much given up worrying about those things. Face it, if whoever you’re with wants to go back to an ex, she will and there’s nothing you can do about it. And fits of jealousy are mostly unattractive. It’s not always easy to balance a naturally neurotic temperament with the que sera sera attitude, but I reckon it’s a skill we all need to learn.

If anyone needs me I’ll be tracking down my exes. The ones who haven’t changed their names. Or left the country. Or taken out a restraining order. Or read this column.