“Write a column on dyke fashion!” said the ed. I immediately thought of the column I wrote years ago where I would beg and plead and whinge at lesbians to get some fashion sense. In the years since, I've decided not to care. Dykes are not a badly dressed group of people, they're just a minority and therefore easy to pick on. I want to state right here and now that I have never ever seen a lesbian wearing dungarees – and while I have seen plenty (myself included) in checked shirts, I've seen an awful lot of straight people in checked shirts too. In fact, I think they're compulsory in some circles.

None of the above is going to stop me pontificating, however.

Jeans. Don't you love jeans? I think I have something ridiculous like thirty pairs, and a mere one pair of legs. Mine are mostly hipster bootlegs, because I have no waist and rather good legs. Wear what you want, but if you're over about 25, skinny stovepipe things should be avoided at all costs. Yes, your ass does look big in them. Jeans with distress/bleach marks around the thighs and groin areas are also best left to teenagers unless you want people to suspect you're incontinent. Do not, I repeat, do NOT clip things to your belt unless you're sexy enough to do that kind of irony successfully. And please don't dress to match your girlfriend – it's not cute.

Approaching 40, I recently had to deliver a stern lecture to myself about not wearing skaterboi clothes any more ... but I still hang on to a few whimsical pairs of shoes and the purple platform boots. My formal wear has become good jeans, old skool sneakers, well-tailored shirt and jacket. Stylish silver jewellery and ironic designer wallet chain finishes off the look and so far it seems to be working well for me – I've started using a fire hose to keep the groupies at bay.

Actually, if you act like you're good looking, (because that whole concept is subjective anyway) people will believe you. One evening last year I wore a long black skirt, boots and a mandarin jacket and even that seemed to work OK. Ultimately it's all about the one thing we have any control over; attitude. Chin up, shoulders back, eyes front and walk like a dyke. You're gorgeous and your ass looks fantastic.

Feel free to add your do's and don'ts in the comments – please just don't tell me I'm badly dressed, I'm very comfortable with my delusions.

If anyone needs me I'll be ironing my ego.