By Ulla Kelly
Yup, this week I'm tackling a little stereotype – as well as an
often-made fatuous remark. I need to tell you that lesbians are not
fake men, do not wish they were really men and don't want to sleep with
men. Sorry guys. Help yourself to all that fake-lesbo porn; you know,
the airbrushed stuff full of blonde bimboid cheerleader types pouting
profusely and faking ecstasy for money. Hold on to your fantasy
lesbians, but please don't try to convert any real ones. Lesbians, my
dears, are not bi-curious – they're not curious at all.
The argument I hear most frequently is that if lesbians enjoy
penetration, they're just settling for second best and secretly want to
be introduced to the joys of A Real Penis. Hate to burst your bubble,
but the penis proliferates and if we wanted one, we'd go get one. What
you need to do is google women's sex toys and update your knowledge
base about what's on offer these days. I'm sensing a whole new area of
therapy for men feeling inadequate in the 'face' of space-age arty sex
toys. Our toyboxes now bristle with silicon, glass, metal shapes
designed to pleasure us and reach our g-spots – those old
flesh-coloured latex phallus thingies just ain't hip any more, kids.
Let me come out and say that I enjoy penetration (while
recognising that not every lesbian does) – I like giving it and I like
getting it. Thing is, I demand a woman at either end of the act, it
makes all the difference. A lesbian holding a dildo is just that – the
lesbian is very much involved and it's not simply all about the dildo.
It's about sex and joy and closeness and connection and touch. Or it's
whatever you want it to be, but it's not necessarily about gender at
all – unless that's the game you like to play. It's about using
fingers, toys, whatever to get inside your woman while listening to her
breathing, feeling her skin and maybe even looking into her eyes,
saying, “is this ok for you?”
If anyone needs me, I'll be test-driving your mother.
