Melanie Lowe ... the spiky haired girl we all speculated about on the first series of South African Idols, the one whose (male) fiancé didn't stop us speculating, finally came out of the closet in June's O Magazine - a skillful way to let the world at large know something that we, the queer community, have been widely aware of for years now.  South Africa's LGBTQ community is a relatively small one and a lot of it is in the closet due to cultural taboo - corrective rape within some segments of the black African population and the general ingrained abhorrence by the Afrikaans Dutch Reformed Church, for example.  We also seem to allow people their closets by not outing gay Springbok rugby players and so forth.  With that in mind, I asked Melanie how she felt about the open secret not being a secret anymore and how she'd dealt with the dichotomy between her public and private realities.

"It feels pretty good actually! I've been gearing myself up for this for a while so I've been through the whole gamut when it comes to emotions! I arrived at acceptance a few weeks before the O Magazine was due to hit the shelves so when it actually did I could just enjoy the feeling of a weight lifting off my shoulders and that's exactly what I'm feeling now. Like I've let go of a very heavy weight!

It was challenging at times. However, I was lucky in that my partners weren't totally "out" either so we both just accepted that that was how it was. When I look back now I see how silly it was to be so worried and I feel bad for asking it of my partners but, at the time, my biggest fear was that I wouldn't be able to do my fundraising shows for Little Eden. For about 3 years I toured the country doing 90% school shows for kids from grade 0 to grade 7, to raise funds for Little Eden. I loved performing for the kids. They were my favourite shows but I had this fear instilled in me when I was younger, that people didn't want their kids around "someone like me". It was one of the reasons, sadly, that I stopped studying teaching and it's something I regret. It's amazing how the things people say, stay with you. I was juggling things all the time because I really thought that I would have something I love, taken away from me.  It seems ridiculous now but I had sleepless nights about what to do about it, for years. I know it made me ill. I was almost permanently stressed. When I met Angi, everything changed. Suddenly I saw my fear for the irrational emotion that it was. How could anyone possibly denounce something that made me feel so complete and so real? That was when the inner battle ended for me and the healing began, which led me up to this point where I am finally, completely, at peace."



Angi, if you haven't already read the O interview, the Times article and all the other commentary, is Melanie's (female) fiancé.  It's not as if Melanie hasn't been seen out and around the gay scene before, but I wondered whether being out would mean we'd see more of her.
 
"We're not big party girls! I did all that 14 years ago! We went out once or twice when I moved to Jhb but we're not really into club music, and being hit on all the time, even when you are holding hands with your girlfriend!  We're not big drinkers and we're very against drugs. I do think that kind of environment can be quite destructive to a relationship, gay or straight. If we do go out it's usually when we're in Durban and there's a Bent party happening! That's because it really is like being among family for me. Everywhere I turn I see a familiar face and I can dance and have fun with good friends and feel safe in the knowledge that no-one is going to try and hit on my wife or me!"

There are celebrities who come out with a fanfare (George Michael), those who do so repeatedly (Michael Stipe) and those who never ever do so formally, but about whom there is no doubt (Morrissey) - so what made Melanie summon the fanfare?
 
"I could feel a change in me almost from the moment I met Angi. Up until I met her I had always been wary of coming out and I often asked myself whether I was ready, at the point that I was at, to make my private life public. Somehow it just never felt quite right. You have to be very sure of your partner and yourself and I guess I just wasn't there yet. From the moment I met Angi I just had a feeling that it was going to happen. It wasn't a conscious decision but, no matter where we were, I found myself not caring about who was watching. I'm surprised people didn't realise it sooner. We're pretty affectionate without even realising it and it just felt natural with her. I honestly didn't mind what people said because somehow I knew it would be ok. After all, how could something so beautiful possibly have anything negative attached to it. When I asked her to marry me, I knew that had kind of forced me into making a decision but I wasn't scared. Marriage is a big thing to us and hiding my wife from the world was not an option. I'm so proud of what we have and who we are and I wanted the world to know! We decided to come out but we had no idea how to go about it. And then out of the blue, O Magazine said they were looking for people for this article and were we interested and we just knew it was meant to be. This was the opportunity we had been looking for. O magazine is a great magazine and we knew they'd present us in a way that reflected "us". The decision was actually very easy at the end of the day."

I presumed that she had told all of her nearest and dearest before she told O Magazine, but I had to ask.
 
"Yes. In fact my family have known for about 15 years! But it wasn't well received as my family have very strong religious beliefs about it. Even the fact that they had known for 15 years, didn't make it any easier to tell them about my engagement because they had never really taken much interest in my love life! I was terrified. My folks live in the UK and they came out for a holiday and I knew it was my only chance to tell them face to face. I've never been so scared! But when I told them my  mom said, "Well my love, we can see the change Ang has made in you and how happy you are. We're very happy that you are happy and if this is what you want then we support you!" I was incredibly shocked, in a good way! We all cried and it was very emotional, especially when they said they would come to the wedding! I just never thought I'd ever be able to share my joy with my family and now I can. It's made my coming out so much easier because I know I have their support. My mom even got a copy of the O Mag sent to the UK so she could see my official coming out. My sister and her family have also booked their plane tickets from the UK to be at our wedding."


 
I wondered how scared she was - coming out is often tough, unfortunately.  The constitution may support our rights, but society in general frequently doesn't even respect us as human beings.
 
"I was far more terrified to tell my parents! The O Magazine article was planned for several months so I had plenty of time to get used to the idea and, by the time it came out, we were impatient for it to just be out! That same day we were in Sun City as I had a show there and, for the first time ever, we walked around, in a very public place, holding hands:) It was just so liberating there wasn't time to be scared. What WAS a bit nerve-wracking was the letter to my friends and supporters. When I clicked send I was sweating! With O Magazine, people can't click on "comment" and give me feedback. On Facebook, they can. Every time I was notified of a comment, I got shaky! But there hasn't been a single bad comment."

I had been watching Melanie's Facebook status messages just before the O interview came out (so hard to avoid that phrase suddenly) and she was carefully  been gender-neutral when mentioning her partner, I asked her whether it was a relief to be able to say "she" at last.
 
"So relieved it's impossible to describe! I truly just love being able to say what I think and feel! Now, when I am talking to anyone about Angi, I don't even think twice before I say "she" or "her" and I am not worried about people's reactions either. The important ones know and accept it and that's all that counts."

I also asked her about general responses to it all.
 
"All good! I am sure there are some who don't like it. In fact, I know there are. I have had a few religious people tell me they're happy I'm happy but I must know that God isn't happy.It's not a totally negative comment and I'm so accustomed to hearing that that I don't feel offended by it. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. I mean, if I didn't believe that then I don't deserve all the wonderful feedback I've been getting. No-one has the right to judge another. Not until you've walked a mile in their shoes, and few can say that they've actually done that. What I truly believe is that, no matter what your religious beliefs are, they should never come between you and those close to you. Life is too short to uphold rules and laws out of a sense of obligation. Those relationships are real and they are what matters in the here and now. I find it hard to believe that God would punish you for showing compassion to another person, even if their way of life is not something you are comfortable with, or that they think God is against. Isn't it a universal understanding that God is love? If anyone has any questions regarding homosexuality and religion, I recommend www.soulforce.org . It made things so much clearer for me and a lot of people close to me too. And now I'm jumping off my soapbox!"

I wondered if the now long-haired, feminine looking Melanie Lowe identified herself as femme as well as lesbian.
 
"To be honest I don't identify with either! I am a person who loves another person. My eyes see beyond the outer package, straight to the soul, and THAT is what I identify with."

(Perhaps bisexual or pansexual or pomosexual applies then).

"What is this bizarre human need to label everyone? I was once asked what religion I was, so I said I'm not religious, I'm spiritual and the response to that was, "Oh so you're agnostic then!" She simply HAD to find a label for me! Why do I need to label and categorise so many parts of my life? I do know I have always been drawn to women. I have no explanation for that. I love being a woman. I embrace my femininity 100% and I'd never want to change who I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone and the only person whose respect I really need to have at the end of the day, is respect for myself. Anything over and above that is a bonus! If I can find a balance in my life that gives me room to be the woman I am, to love the woman I am going to marry and to not need any more than that, then I have already found where I fit in this world and need nothing else to validate me."

Ah.  Pomosexual.  Which, of course, is a label in itself.  There's no doubt that it would be great if labels were unnecessary, but while there are still people who get labelled and then discriminated against or murdered for it, perhaps the first thing we need to do about labels like "lesbian" is demystify them and reclaim them from those who use them like ammunition and insults.  "Woman" is a label too, after all, not an absolute definition.

I asked her whether any of her songs were about her sexuality.
 
"Well, I wrote quite a few rather depressing songs around the time that I first came out to my parents! I had a lot of questions. Most of my songs are about my relationships and where I am in my life. I wrote a song called Free which talks about wanting to be free to be me. It hasn't found its home on an album yet. Perhaps the next one, but I think my song, Blue, encompasses everything about me trying to be me. I always introduce it at gigs as the song that's all about me and my struggle against the powers that be trying to make me be something I'm not. But it's also very much about my sexuality and the fact that people thought it was better to hide it. They thought it would do huge damage to my career and I guess I resented that but I still wasn't strong enough in myself to do anything about it. I think there will be a lot more songs coming out through all of this. I just recently wrote one called "Living the truth". Obviously inspired by recent events and by my fiancé, Angi."

I've interviewed Melanie Lowe before and asked her whether she thought celebrities had a responsibility to come out or whether they are entitled to their privacy - this time around, I asked her whether she had a message for any celebrities in closets.

"I believe in live and let live. I didn't start this with a cause in mind. I simply didn't want to hide my wife away once we were married. I realised, for myself, that it was time to live my life honestly so that I could look myself in the eye when I looked in the mirror, and feel proud of who I was. I was at that place. It took me years to arrive. Now that I'm here, I think maybe I've started a cause whether I like it or not! The responses I've had have told me that I am affecting lives in a positive way and I'm not the kind of person who can just walk away from something like that so it's become something more to me. As well known persona, we are not obliged to set an example, but I can't seem to avoid that sense of responsibility, knowing the power it has to affect change. I will say this: Take your time and if you make the decision to come out, make sure you're strong enough and you have enough of a support base to hold you up when things get tough. No-one should expect you to be an open book and it's really nobody's business anyway. If you are scared that it will ruin your career, the fear will probably ruin it for you. If you are worried about losing some friends, consider that maybe they weren't the kind of friends you needed anyway and if you are worried about losing fans, the amount you will gain will far outweigh the few that do leave and again, you only want real people in your life so what have you really lost at the end of the day? From where I stand, I have only gained and lost nothing but my own hang-ups."

We haven't had the right to marry for very long in South Africa, so that plus her coming out and obviously, her engagement, I guessed she would have some opinions about gay marriage.
 
"I guess I'm an old-fashioned romantic. I've always wanted the white picket fence and a family. It's not so much about the piece of paper for me. If we weren't allowed to get married we'd have had a commitment ceremony. But there's something truly beautiful in making that final commitment. For me it's about celebrating the love that I share with this wonderful woman who has agreed to marry me:) And it's about loving her so much that I am prepared to proclaim it to all and sundry. There's a sense of safety and vulnerability in taking the step. It says that you trust someone enough to open yourself completely to them and you're doing it together, which makes it safe. Marriage changes a person. Two of my closest friends, together for 7 years, finally got married when it became legal. Overnight I saw a change in them. Their relationship moved on to a whole new level. There is a level of trust that comes with the knowledge that you have publicly made promises to each other and it's for better or for worse. There's no getting up and leaving. You're a team in every sense of the word. With that knowledge, comes peace."



Melanie Lowe is out and even if she's not immediately taking up arms on our behalf, at least she is living her truth and even taking it on tour.  Every celebrity that comes out feels like a victory and another contribution towards tolerance.  She is also happy and in love and what woman in love doesn't like talking about her girlfriend?  Over to you, Melanie ...
 
"Where do I begin? Angi is my eye of the storm, she's my island in a raging sea, she is the yin to my yang. I loved her from the moment I saw her.  We are opposites in so many ways and yet, with her, I find my sense of balance. When I looked into her eyes, I recognised her soul and I felt like I had found my home. That was why I knew I had to move to Johannesburg. I need to be near her. I'm completely lost when I know she's not within easy reach, and vice versa. But we are also able to give each other space if it's needed. She makes me laugh, she listens to me, even if it hurts her, even if I'm making no sense, even if she's exhausted, she listens. If I need her, she will be there, no questions asked, no reason needed, even if it's her last cent, she will spend it to get to me. We are our priority and I feel very safe in that knowledge. She is so strong and so wise and I learn so much from her all the time. I think she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, not to mention sexy. We have been through so much together and it has only made our love stronger. We have learnt what it really means to be part of a team and to be part of something so special and beautiful. I feel privileged to be a part of her life and to know that I am the one she has chosen to spend her forever with and I can't wait to look into her eyes and say, "I do"."

Awwwww! 

Interview: Ulla Kelly, photographs from Melanie Lowe's private collection.
Links: the website / the facebook profile / the facebook fan page

The end.